Day 1606 10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day ♥️

This is such a difficult topic but one that is very close to my heart. It would be remiss of me to skip the day and not talk about it. This is a hard read Mum 😘

I have felt bad enough that I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts.

There was a time when I felt so retched that I honestly felt that everyone would be better off without me. The anxiety is a fast forward illness where you worry about everything, panic, overthink…. It has a speed to it. Depression is a slow illness where you actually struggle to clean your teeth on a daily basis. I could go for 4 or 5 days and realise I hadn’t showered or cleaned my teeth. The two illnesses feed off, and fight each other.

I cried so much during that time.

I dreaded anyone asking how I was as I couldn’t possibly tell them how bad I felt…. AGAIN.

I just felt so awful. I couldn’t find the words to explain it. I felt like I made everyone around me so miserable. I felt like I was ruining their lives. My head told me I was taking over the lives with my torment.

It’s a dreadful illness and it lies to you. It tells you that you are worthless.

We went away for a weekend with friends and had a lovely time. I was choking back the tears the whole weekend. I tried to hide how I really felt.

I think that’s where my love of solitude came from. I don’t have to pretend anything for anyone. I can relax and just be me.

I took some selfies here so I could remember how I felt. This was a real low point for me.

It seemed to me like everyone else was enjoying their lives, while mine had completely fallen apart. I could barely think straight and I couldn’t see a future ahead of me.

That’s the real reason for me writing this blog. On the outside I seemed to have it all and I will never stop sharing that what you see is not always what it seems.

Craig came to find me and we took one of the nicest photos. See how happy I look. I was like that for a lot of the weekend. It was all an act.

I’m so glad that I never had any intentions of going through with anything. I just felt so desperate that it seemed to be the only escape from the pain.

I haven’t felt like jumping through hoops of joy today. I had a restless night and have felt shattered and antsy all day. It was lovely sunrise though.

It’s a million miles from what it was… it’s just an off day.

I don’t want to belittle this sentiment… but this morning there was a tiny frog in our porch again. I put some card under it and flicked it out the door. It went high and fast and actually gave a tiny squeal when it landed on it back with its legs all wide apart….. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that poor froglet all day. I hope it was ok. To be fair, being left on a pavement on a main road isn’t the best place for a frog to thrive. It wasn’t there when I came back from work. 🥺

So all of this was years ago now and I’m happy to say that I’ve never felt like that since 2019.

You may understand why I take my mental health so seriously. I have to be careful and do what’s best for my head.

Never be afraid of reaching out if you feel sad. Someone is always ready to listen. If you can’t talk to friends or family then these numbers are available in the UK.

I had to call the Samaritans once when I felt I had nowhere else to turn and it really helped.

Worst of all, when you are at your lowest ebb, you have to fight HARD for you.

We are the only one in control of our happiness and we have to choose how we respond. That’s very easy for me to say from a place of mental wellness. It’s very hard to hear from a place of poor mental health.

It’s good to talk, so keep talking, with anyone who will listen.

Stay safe everyone 💛💛💛

Day 1562 last day of holiday!

Well…. 10 days since I was last at work and it does feel like I’ve been off forever.

I’ve been all over the place this week.

I am completely off kilter.

Spinning on the wrong axis.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

My teeth are on edge.

My jaw is clenched.

I’ve felt squeamish.

I’ve a thumping headache.

My body is telling me something needs to change and try as I might, I can’t get to the answer.

I feel lost.

I’m SOOOOOOO DISAPPOINTED in myself.

Raging at the state I’ve got myself into.

This is the worst I have felt in a long time.

It’s all caused by me in my own head.

I’ve not been able to get out of it at all.

My head is full of noise.

I preach about living in the present moment but the present moment has me raging.

I’ve been so bored but not wanted to do anything.

The noise in my head is incessant.

There’s a very angry voice in there screaming at the injustice of it all.

You think you’re better do you? Ah well, we’ll show you….

Nothing gives me peace.

I couldn’t even drive to the beach today as I had a million reasons why that wasn’t a good idea.

I just need a minute out of my own head.

When Craig asks how I feel, I want to lie to him to pretend it’s all ok. He’s no daft. He knows fine well. It makes for a pretty rotten holiday for him too.

I hope this will pass once I get back to a routine.

The long and short of it is, if I lived by myself I’d rent out or sell everything and go travel the world.

I obviously can’t do that and need to find some way of making peace with it.

We had a good chat today about me trying to book some weekend breaks away. I need to try something to see if that helps. When they are places that Craig wants to go then he might come too.

I want to appreciate every single day. I write a blog that documents my day and when I do nothing it feels like a waste.

I’m not rested because I haven’t taken the time to rest. I have wittered away to myself the whole time. Put myself through turmoil.

And with that… I’m gonna shut up now as I’m sick of the sound of my own voice.

Here’s to a week of peace…. 🤞🏼

I’m off to do a mediation.

Oh and it’s been beautiful weather all day! Sunshine at last!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1471 start the day with a sea swim at 6am!!

The best part about not drinking is the time you get at the weekends, before anyone else is up… the roads are quiet, the beach is empty, the sea is calm, well not always obviously, but it was today.

Elly had messaged me on Thursday to ask if I was free to do a sea dip with her this morning. One thing led to another and it ended up being for sunrise (which is no mean feat at this time of year!) and in wetsuits, one of which Elly had to buy quickly! I don’t think I could go in without a wetsuit. I find the cold completely breathtaking in a wetsuit. Hats off to anyone who does that length of time without one!!

I woke at 2.30am to find my period had started.

Oh joy… that explains yesterday afternoon’s lethargy!

Elly was picking me up at 5.30am. I slept on and off between 2.30 and the alarm at 5.

The beach was empty.

There was only one other car parked with no people to be seen at all…. Turns out it was 2 girls from the Fit Body Farm, out for a run, as we saw them when they came back!

Ready to go in selfie. We couldn’t have picked a better day or time. The water was perfect.

I’ve always been told when you’re new to it, you should ideally go at high tide, when then wind is less than 5mph and coming from the east. That way you don’t get carried away from shore. you know how I like to follow a “rule” 😂

The conditions were just perfect.

The sun was just starting to rise.

Morning!!!

I love the colours in this next simple photo. The pinks and lilacs opposite the sunrise or sunset are always lovely.

It feels like we are really far out but that’s only because it’s so shallow.

I’ve found a hole in my wetsuit… I got an extra cold dip this morning!

Love these ripples in the water.

And again!

We stayed in roughly 20 minutes which is more than enough for me in this temperature. We both started to get cold at the same time.

I’m so chuffed with the photos this phone takes. The colours are so real.

The ripples seem real.

It’s forecast to be cloudy today.

We headed up and got dressed as quickly as we could. Hands and toes are always the coldest parts. It’s important to get them warm as quickly as possible. We went for a walk along the beach to warm up once we were dry. My dry robe looks like a dress!! It is a bit big now 😂

I’ve just noticed the heart shaped stone at our feet. The sun is rising fast but it’s still not even 7am.

I just had the best time. I’ve missed sea “swimming”.

For so long it’s seemed like too much hassle. Isn’t that ridiculous? When something you love seems like too much hassle.

I‘m so grateful to Elly for asking me to go today and bringing the sparkle for wild swimming back!

We were home for the back of 7 and it felt like lunchtime!!

I went for a warm shower and then Craig and I sat in the back garden, in the sun, for a coffee.

Look at Queen Khaleesi lying in the middle of the flower bed!

She’s loving the sunshine. It’s still nowhere near as warm as it looks!

We then headed back to Braehead so I could upgrade my Fitbit to an Apple Watch.

I only went for the SE because it’s the base model and is half the price of the Apple Ultra. It does everything I need it to do. It means I don’t need to carry my phone all the time. I say that and then imagine not being able to take a photo!!! Wonder how long it will be before the watch takes photos?!? ⌚️😂🤦🏻‍♀️📸

So back home and straight out to pick Gayle up for a wee lunch out. We were heading to Luss for lunch, but at the last minute turned in to Bowling to head to the gift shop called Paton Parcels.

Would you believe we drove straight into the Glasgow Kilt Walk!! There were people everywhere…. Our worst nightmare!!!

We had a sandwich with tea and cake in the Paton’s coffee shop. The radio was blaring, we could hardly hear to talk. It really wound up my anxiety for some reason…. Maybe it was that and the millions of people.

The Bowling Harbour was really pretty. The reflections were lovely.

The water didn’t move at all.

We walked down to the side of the Clyde and it was fairly calm too. There’s an old jetty out in the water, it was picturesque.

Looking back up to the Erskine bridge that we just drove over. if you zoom in to this shot, those two vertical posts are in the foreground and not part of the bridge. How random.

It was really cold so we didn’t hang around long.

We had a wander around the canal.

More reflections.

My friend helen will be so proud… she’s the queen of reflections!

It’s hard to believe there are thousands of kilt walkers milling around here… you can see some of them on this bridge!

I’ve been home since 3 and it’s still only 5pm. This is the longest day! I love getting up early.

There is a fair bit of anxiety today. I do wonder if it’s caffeine instead of decaf coffee maybe, by mistake…. That’s what it feels like, nothing more, just a jitteryness… I made that word up. 😂

I’ve had a great weekend but really desperate for some heat to that sunshine. ☀️☀️

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

Day 1447 a testing Thursday!

It was a beautiful morning.

The sun was shining… a reminder that good weather always follows the rain. All of this is going through my head as I drive to work. It makes me smile. I wonder who I am on days like this. I should say it’s 3°C so will bitterly cold.

I drove to work this morning in a great mood. I was listening to my Happy playlist on Spotify. Mel Robbins suggested we make a playlist and we should use it to make us feel happy. Chesney Hawkes “I am the one and only” is my got to since I passed my driving test! That was a while ago… 😂😂.

I rarely listen to music. What I’m about to say here will make me sound crazy…. But it makes me “feel” too much.

I always seem to well up with emotion at the memories that certain songs stir. I can’t listen to a song without remembering where I was, or who I was with or what stage in my life it reminds me of. I find myself avoiding music and listening to podcasts. It’s safer.😂

I had a great wee sing this morning but it won’t happen often.

No one opened the gate for me today either but that was ok! I did it myself 😂

I got really anxious about something first thing and let it affect the rest of my day.

Then I upset a lady on a horse tonight, who said I was driving too fast…. I stopped dead as soon as I saw her even although she was on the other side of the road. She was really angry.

You know me. I apologised at the time. I drove off…. I felt awful. Then I was angry. Then I felt awful again. She who doesn’t like to upset anyone got a right dressing down. I guess it worked, as I will think of horses on every road I ever drive on from now on. Just another thing to add to the list of things to worry about.

I’m ok though, I’m actually good, just quiet and I’m now sitting outside in the garden… thinking… it’s cold but I’m enjoying the fresh air. I’ve swept up some leaves and I have the 4 dogs sitting out with me. It feels good to decompress.

My favourite bush is coming into bloom.

It would appear I’ve not been “on” HRT for much of this week. Every time I go to replace my patch, the one I want to remove, is not there. You’d think I’d realise at some point? Nope.. oblivious. Those wee patches must disappear into thin air. I never find them!

Despite all the negativity in my day, I had another great kinesiology session last night and felt very calm afterwards, I slept like a log.

The synchronicity….. I get an email from tut.com this morning which is exactly what Kinesiology was all about. ♥️

Tomorrow is rail trip day as I’m off to Pitlochry to meet Mum and Dad who are on holiday up there. The forecast is SNOW!!!

Least I’m not driving and it might make for some pretty pictures…. If it actually happens!

Have a great Thursday night.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1417 work then visiting a TV set, as you do! 🎬📺

The weather was atrocious leaving Bristol last night and I worked myself into a wee lather before take off.

The plane literally got blown to the left just before it took off. The adrenaline washed through me. By the time we levelled out in the sky I realised I was clenching every muscle sooo tight and had to really force myself to relax. The weather was so much better in Glasgow.

I think Khaleesi missed me… she out her wee paw on my leg and lay there for ages!

I had the rubbishist sleep last night and no, that is not a word, but I’m making it one.

I lay in bed with my eyes wide open until 11.30pm… came downstairs and tried the couch instead. That’s where I got my 5 hours.

Here’s my view as I dried my hair…

I’ve been surprisingly awake and alert today. It’s amazing what a wee mini break does to freshen your head.

Work passed quickly as I was so busy.

So the big news in our village today…. Is that’s the Gateside Inn will be used in a Netflix drama about the Lockerbie disaster and they are filming tomorrow. Here’s the link to the stars involved.

Lockerbie

Here’s the pub during COVID.

Here’s the pub today.

Criag and I got to go in after my work today to have a look around. It will be the pub in Lockerbie on the night of the disaster.

If you zoom in, it’s all set up for Christmas in 1988.

Everything looks so old. It made me feel really old as I thought some of it looked really old fashioned 😂😂 seems I was alive and 16 when these things WERE in fashion. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

The dart board wall is all for the set. You usually see right through to the back of the restaurant.

There’s a cigarette machine….to me this looks 1950’s 😂😂 and cigarettes are £1.35!!!

There’s a juke box…

And a radio like my Grandpa had.

It’s all very surreal. I’m working tomorrow and out at night so won’t see any of the filming!

So that’s our excitement… our house will be in the Netflix Lockerbie show! We is famous. 😂😂

A good Tuesday. It’s not all been easy but I’ve handled everything well and I can’t ask for more.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1412 busy leap year day at work and flying to Bristol! ✈️

It’s February 29th 2024… a leap year!!

Love this from Donna Ashworth.

Look for the light…. That came up in Kinesiology last night too… another coincidence.

Another restless sleep last night… up at 2am and again at 5am. Result is I’m shattered now and I’ve got 6 hours of travelling to go… 😂 not complaining…. Will try to sleep on the plane.

Work was busy again today and flew by and I managed to get everyone to wear their “Tartan” gear… which is mostly black obviously 🙄 and we got a team photo prior to the handover of two of our biggest van builds. We don’t do that often enough. We should celebrate our big wins but we’re already on to the next 😂

I finished up at 3 as I had an hour to take back. Now I’m ready far too early!

Craigie is running me to the airport and I’m flying to Bristol where Helen is picking me up and driving me down to her house in Exmouth. That’s my home for the next 4 days flying back up late Monday.

I’ve packed as little as I can but it still feels like way too much.

It’s funny how all I ever want to do is travel and yet I’m apprehensive about doing it. I’m not a fan of flying… I’d much rather be on the train.

Please don’t go Mum….

It would break your heart! Calaidh looks so sad!

Those holes in the blanket over the couch were made by “someone” trying to bury a bone the last time I went away overnight… what could possibly go wrong this time?!?

I’m off to create meaningful moments as SC Lourie says.

We left at 5.30pm…. We are only 20 minutes or so from the airport and my flight isn’t until 8.20pm…. my phone flashed and said go to gate.

GO TO GATE?!?!!!??

I’m not even there yet… waves of anxiety…

Im not late in the slightest, no idea why it said go to gate 😂😂

I’m loving my new case from Tripp. Colour…. Watermelon!

Won’t lose it anytime soon…. I’m in Starbucks having a wee decaf coconut milk latte and a blondie for dinner. Had last nights vegan dinner for lunch and I’m still stuffed.

Only another hour until the flight. My stomach is doing somersaults but I will be fine and I will enjoy the travel. I know I will.

There seems to be more people in the speedy boarding queue than the main queue tonight.. I just heard a lady in the speedy queue say it’s not very speedy anymore 😂 I used to be obsessed with speedy boarding when I travelled with work but the place is not going without me so I don’t see the point in paying extra for it… I did pay extra for my watermelon cabin case though 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

You can tell I’m just passing the time by rambling. Flight’s just been called!

That’s me almost off. I’m calmer now that I’m here.

See you soon Helen!

Stay safe everyone ♥️✈️♥️

Day 1395 a lovely evening chilling

I slept so well last night until 4am and then had work swirling round in my head for the next 2 hours.

I’ll get an early night tonight.

My anxiety was sky high this morning. Head spinning, stomach churning, chaos.

It passes mid morning and I settle into a calmer day with a few irritable flare ups.

It was a lovely day…. The sun was shining and it got windy and wet just before I left work at 4.

I went for diesel and bought some chilli heatwave Doritos and some mini eggs. I came home and had a spinach and ricotta pizza with a lovely glass of alcohol free rosé. Not the healthiest of diets but I’ve really enjoyed it.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that Khaleesi is missing out on this, she lying by my right elbow!!

The rosé is lovely.

I’m watching Manifest on Netflix. I’m really enjoying it.

I’m not out of this strange spell yet but I’m still focussing on gratitude while I go through it. That is so unlike the person I used to be. I’m proud of myself when I am aware of things like this.

The universe is trying to tell me something and I just need to stop screaming at myself long enough to listen.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1394 into Glasgow!

Another amazing sleep and I got up at 8am… I went to let the dogs out but ended up not going back up to bed like I had planned.

I’m so lucky that I can sleep. My head is in turmoil, it’s churning round and round. I can’t settle. Chaos in my soul indeed.

I decided to take Khaleesi and Freya out this morning. The mist cleared and this wonderful sun appeared. It was huge.

While it was cold there was a lovely warmth to it. We had a lovely walk.

The sun really helped calm my mind and helped me breathe.

It was really beautiful ☀️

The mist came back in again and it’s been a fairly meh day weather wise. Writing this makes me realise how lucky I am to have had such a nice walk this morning.

I wanted to go to Run 4 It in Glasgow, this morning as I really wanted some running trainers that would keep my feet dry.

I want to run more but without wet feet!

You run on a treadmill in here and they record your gait so it means I’d get shoes that “shouldn’t” hurt my knee.

The trainers I bought for the Fit Body Farm just seem to soak up the water on the road. I’m not charging straight into puddles but they are squelching by the end of the run.

So the shop assistant said there was no such thing as indoor or outdoor running shoes. She smiled and said if we run outside we just have to accept that our feet will get wet…. 😳 my mood makes me incensed at this… while I smile sweetly through gritted teeth. I try to tell her when I bought my existing trainers there we picked the indoor ones…. From the same shop…. but she’s having none of it…. 😆 Then she produces 2 pairs of water resistant trainers.

She says they were both good for my gait so I picked a pair of Nike that are khaki and maroon.

There are no prices in Run 4 It…. When I took them up to the till I freaked and then wanted to back out but couldn’t. I can barely decide what I want to eat for dinner let alone what trainers to buy. I did get them in the sale and got about £12 off… they are in the house and I will decide sometime when my head stops screaming at me. (Also turns out that Nike advertise them as waterproof…. Who’d a thunk it?!? 😂)

We then went to a place called Jojo Mac for lunch and had a veggie burger. Craig had a burger burger 😆 we haven’t been in Glasgow city centre for a long time!! It felt really strange and honestly, while the food was good, Glasgow was not actually that nice…. Sooo many people!!! I am definitely not a city person anymore, if I ever was.

We came home and I took Calaidh and Bhruic a walk while Craig make some enquiry calls.

I’m angry this afternoon….. my head won’t shut up, round and round blaming everything and everyone. And yet this…… is what I need to listen to.

I am creating all of this noise inside my head all by myself. The chaos is so loud, I just want to shake it all out.

As u say that I am very calm writing this which really helps. The calm is so welcome when it comes.

I know that this will pass…. I just have to sit with the discomfort until it does… without the wine to numb it.

I will still say that this is a reminder to make the most of the week ahead and try to be in the present moment as often as you can. do as u say not as I seem to be doing right now 😂😘

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1392 a day of two halves 🥳🥹 I know I’ve used this title before 🙄

I had the best sleep. I woke at 6am, no tension and felt really happy. I was soooo looking forward to my day off. When Craig’s alarm went off at 7.30am, I ruffled his hair, said “guess who’s feeling better today?” And started to fill him in on Iceland’s latest eruption. I was buzzing. Poor Craig had barely opened his eyes and I’m shoving my phone into his face. 😆

I didn’t realise that it started yesterday. Thankfully it seems everyone was evacuated safely but this lava has moved faster than the last couple of eruptions and has covered the road junction for the Blue Lagoon. It’s awful for everyone involved as I’m sure the Blue Lagoon was heaving every day and it’s had to close a lot these last few months. Now it will need a new road. (I might have this all wrong but that’s my afternoon caffeine induced anxiety talking…)

I had a lovely morning. I went a run with Rachel two doors down. we ran for over 2 miles. I found it hard but I was so glad we did it.

I came back in to this…. The dog master.

I sat and had a coffee with Craig. Didn’t go for decaf…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

Then back out for a much slower jog with Freya and Calaidh. Love how Freya always looks back at me when I take the camera out! (Phone… obvs 🙄)

I had my shower and set off for my appointment at Viv’s Nails and Beauty to get my toes and eyebrows done. I wittered away like a budgie to Viv. I told her I felt quite hyper today. 😆

I then went to the little gift shop for some birthday presents and spent AGES choosing what I wanted. Lovely to see Gayle but I’m meeting her tomorrow so I said we couldn’t talk about anything of any importance 😂😂

By that time it was around 1pm so I headed to Curiosity coffee shop and had an oat milk latte with a lovely bit of cake. What a way to break my fast.

It was soooo good, super tasty. The cake is like something Gran would make with marshmallows, glacé cherries 🍒 and coconut.

I have been churned up ever since. On the way home I felt the butterflies in my stomach so badly I felt sick. Really squeamish. In no way, shape or form was it anything to do with what I ate but I think the caffeine and sugar has hit me the wrong way.

I cleared out the kitchen, moving things around as it had become really cluttered, and put lots of things away in cupboards, but I can’t shake the squeam. I’ve sat down on the couch to watch tv to take my mind off it but I can’t find the tv remote anywhere…. It’s bright orange and not easily missed.

Tracey in Canada just sent me this… she has no idea that I spent the afternoon on looking for a remote!!

I literally just want to cry. I think I am creating a panic attack… oh there are the tears. It might take me a while but I can usually get to the bottom of things writing this.

I think the cheeriness from this morning came from a misplaced anxiety. I can’t seem to shake it this last few weeks. I think maybe I need to consider medication again. I don’t want to but can’t cope with this level of fear. Can’t see to type let alone find the orange telly buttons… I’ve just gone through to the bathroom to try to be sick. Nothings coming up but I’m retching. What a state to get into.

I used to live on coffee to get me through the day… and now 2 have given me heart palpitations.

I’ve had some work stuff to do today which has generated a bit of anxiety…. I’m making it bigger than it is and haven’t switched off to work like I usually do.

It’s been a jittery few weeks on and off.

Craig just called and it really helped to speak to him.

He has the orange tv remote in his pocket!!

That made me laugh…… I was going mad looking for it!

So yeah… honest blog again. Anxiety doesn’t want me to put it out but I will cause that’s what I do. I’ll just not be able to look anyone in the eye ever again 😂😂😂

How lovely is this card I found in the little gift shop.?

The tv remote is now home. My life is complete.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1391 finally some exercise 🚶🏽‍♀️🚶🏽‍♀️

I slept ok but woke with a thumping headache and was super tense. I’m fairly certain I’m doing this to myself. I’m still fighting something rather than relaxing into reality.

I felt surprisingly ok when I got up and got moving. The headache passed pretty quickly.

I tried to have a present moment shower but Anne McNerlin keeps popping up as it was her who told me about being present during your shower. It does make me laugh. 😆

I’ve felt ok today, a couple of wobbles, a bit of anxiety and some moments where I felt totally in control the anxiety was nothing like yesterday so I’m grateful for that. .

I know I’m over analysing everything. I’ve felt so low this week and I guess I worried about sinking back down the way. If I stop long enough to really focus. I know I am streets ahead of where I was. I don’t understand why I’ve felt so low. Think lots of people are the same just now.

So I’ve decided I need more exercise.

I met Gemma, from work, tonight down at Barassie beach and we did a 5K walk in the biting wind and light rain… don’t laugh at our selfie.

It was sooooo cold and I forgot to take my hat. It took us an hour but we walked into strong headwind on the way there. it was so much warmer when we turned back.

Gemma’s dog was bombing about on the beach having a blast.

Haha fashion oot the window!

Looking over to Troon harbour where the Arran ferries are sheltering from the next storm that’s coming.

Here’s our headlights as we left.

I’m really glad we did that. It would have been too easy to miss it tonight, the weather was pretty bad. I would never have done that by myself and it’s great to have company to exercise. I hope we can do it more. The beach is 11 minutes drive from my work. Can’t beat that.

So it’s my weekend now. I’m so looking forward to the time off after working all of last weekend. The weather is going to be pretty rough again but I’ll try to get out and about as much as I can. I know exercise helps my mood. I need to get back at it.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1390 an anxious Tuesday… 😧😱🫨 (just about to post and realised it’s Wednesday… leaving that in 😂😂)

I had the best sleep.

I went up to bed last night at 8pm and went to sleep just after 9pm….Out for the count until 5am when I woke up to remember something I hadn’t ordered at work…. The day continued in much the same vein.

I have a dodgy tum which could be due to the introduction of a vegan meal yesterday… 😂 I have butterflies in my stomach … I don’t feel quite right.

There was a car right behind me most of the way to work… I was super anxious driving while he was behind me. I didn’t relax at all and made silly mistakes.

It didn’t stop there, I was super anxious all morning, breathless and panicky at one point. It was coming over me in waves. I felt really jittery. Like I’d drank a pot of coffee. I felt an impending sense of doom that everything was going to go wrong.

I’d seen this first thing and was determined to use it all day…… out the window at the first sign of nerves.

So yeah it’s honestly not been the best day. I texted Craig about it all and the anxiety did calm a bit after I’d put “pen to paper”. I realised how crazy it all sounded.

I’ve not been this anxious in a while. I’ve not been right for a few days now.

Anxiety always leads me to feeling worthless. It kicks me when I’m down.

We just had a hammer on the window to say a dog had been hit by a car outside and that it looked like Khaleei. My legs went to jelly, I started shaking….. Craig confirms it’s not Khaleesi as she’s there beside him, but it turns out to be a neighbours dog. I hug Khaleesi tight. They track down the neighbours dog and it’s thankfully ok.

Today I seem to be collecting things to worry about. Enjoying the drama that anxiety brings. Fighting it rather than letting it pass.

I know that it will pass.

I made a Butternut Squash Thai infused curry for dinner with brown rice.

Khaleesi is licking her lips. It most definitely is “not for puppies”. That’s my stock phrase!

So tomorrow is a new day.

I’m fine it’s just been an off day.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1346 Christmas Day 2024 🎄♥️😘

Merry Christmas everyone!

So in true Julie fashion not everything is rosy in the garden. My left knee is agony and kept me awake last night. I haven’t done anything other than stand. I’ve stood a lot at the shop and I stood in the pub last night. When I went to move it was stuck.

I took paracetamol and ibuprofen and it didn’t touch it. I woke two or three times in the night.

It’s been agony all day. 😢 I’m fairly certain it’s just muscular but no idea why it’s so sore.

I’ve also got travel anxiety and I haven’t actually relaxed knowing that me and the sore knee have to drive home.

Anyway moan over…

Other than that we’ve had a lovely day.

We got lovely presents this morning… we were meant to have a £50 limit but not sure either of us stuck to it!

I did a doggo photo shoot!

The puppers had Butternut Box Festive Turkey Feast for breakfast!

We left to head over to Mum and Dad’s about 10.30. It’s takes about an hour and half.

I got a new scarf and I love it!!!

I got a new purse which I love too. It’s multicoloured and matches my scarf. It’s not in this photo 😂😂

Khaleesi made herself at home!

Mum and dad had made a lovely meal.

We’ve had a lovely day!!

I now have the anxiety of getting Craig’s car out of mum and dad’s driveway….. the things I worry about eh?!

I have an appetite for drama and suffering eh?!? Told you I’d throw that at myself sometime soon…

Sending myself some peace. I can do this.

Stay safe everyone 🎄🎅🏼🤶🏼

Day 1343 a lovely night with the Crochet Hookers last night and Winter Solstice today!

What a lovely night last night. The Boarding House in Howwood was lovely.

We started off for a few drinks in the Gateside Inn and then Lesley drove us to the Boarding House. It looks super festive.

Tee hee Evelyn is holding the door open while I take my photos!

I don’t have any photos of us at dinner as it was a big round table and impossible to get us all in… here I am before I go out.

Although you can’t see it, I must tell you a funny story about the dress I wore.

First of all… me in a dress. Doesn’t happen often.

More importantly…. Where on earth did that dress come from?

I was looking for a black dress for the funeral today and came across a black dress that I have no recollection of buying. I have wrecked my brains. I don’t recall EVER having seen it before and it fits like a glove.

The dress I was looking for is nowhere to be seen and yet this one seems to be in its place. It has lovely lacy see through sleeves.

Not a clue where it came from.

A couple of pics of the lovely Evelyn and Anne!

Wait till you see the food!

I had sesame chicken strips with mustard mayo and Evelyn had bang bang cauliflower to start.

I had monkfish with chilli and garlic oil with flagrant rice and flatbread. Evelyn had Turkey with all the trimmings. (other meals were available but I wasn’t stretching over everyone for photos! 😂😂

Dessert was Cranachan Pavlova. It was beautiful! also tasted as good as it looked.

We had lots of good chat and put the world to rights as we usually do.

We had Secret Santa and all got lovely gifts. It was such a nice night. I hit a wall after dessert and could have slept at the table!!

Thanks to Lesley for driving and to all the girls for a great night!

It was a crazy wild day today and I had so much anxiety about driving up to Perth. I was so nervous setting off…. Overthinking how bad the weather was. It was only a yellow warning and I’ve driven in red warnings before… I knew it would be nothing but I think I have an “appetite for drama”…. I pinched that from a podcast today! I heard it and thought that was SO true!!

I do and I have…. An appetite for drama and suffering. I want to feel hard done to at times, I want people to feel sorry for me. Recognising it is half the battle. I will slap myself in the face with “appetite for drama” quite regularly….. upon reflection… Craig… in case you’re listening… slap me with this and I’m likely to slap you back 😂😂😂 that’s just my ego talking. I’m allowed to recognise it. I’m not ready for anyone else to.

Apart from narrowly missing a pile up at the Braehead exit of the M8 (wow the adrenaline flooded through me!) and being blown off course on the M80…. The drive was actually quite lovely. The sky cleared blue, although the wind was still blawin’ a hoolie. It was nice to see so much of Scotland just before Christmas… and in the daylight.

Once I found where I was going, I completely relaxed.

Driving home was a breeze…. (That’s a bad metaphor as it was still wild!!) I drove like a pro. It’s like I’m two different people at times. 😂 (actually I’m way more than two different people but that’s a different story. 😂😂). Not a worry mmmon the road at all, weaving in and out of traffic. Second nature kicked back in.

So back home now. Christmas jammies on for a relaxing evening after more socialising than I’ve done in years. 😘

Today is the shortest day with sunrise at 8.46am and setting at 3.37pm.

The light is being born again. I love that idea. This is it folks…. Summer is a-coming. Get those flip flops at the ready!!

Also today is my fast-aversary!! Ok I made that word up. It’s a year since I started fasting and I have managed it for 365 days. Who’d a thunk it?!

I feel I have a long way to go but I am down a couple of dress sizes and I’m way more comfortable in my own skin. I always struggled with feeling bloated and I can honestly say I’ve not felt bloated once in a year.

Would you believe it’s 35 years since the Lockerbie disaster.

I was sat with my dad in the car… we were delivering Webb Ivory Christmas catalogue orders to Dad’s Scout troop…. We were outside Kevin O’Reilly’s house in Penicuik….when we heard that a plane had come ONE HOUR AND EIGHTEEN MINUTES drive away from our house. It’s also sad that Kevin O’Reilly is no longer with us either. He was in my year at school.

Only 4 more sleeps until Santa comes. I’m not dreading Christmas this year. I’m embracing it quietly from the couch beside the beautiful Christmas tree.

So many bad things are happening all around me. To people that I love. These are not my stories to tell but they do have an effect on me. Not everyone is happy this Christmas and I’m more aware than ever that life is today, here and now and it is what you make it.

Appreciate everyone you have around you.

Tell them.

Make it awkward.

Be vulnerable.

The world needs way more of that right now.

Stay safe everyone 🎄🎄🎄

Day 1343 a busy Monday in December (with yet more reflections!)

Wow I really had to stretch for that title… what else can I say on a regular working day.

I had THE best sleep again… woke up 4 minutes before the alarm…. We’d been in bed from 9.30 too.

Rachel two doors down, has decorated the village hall tree and it looks lovely!

Actually it’s a tinny blip on the horizon in this photo of the village hall looking festive. it’s a lot bigger than it looks here!

There was a lovely sunrise once I got to work.

It’s really strange driving to and from work in total darkness just now.

It’s 6°C today which should be positively tropical compared to the cold spell we’ve had… yet it was cold. I didn’t have all my thermal gear on. I had to take a tin of soup for lunch today and boy, was it rough after all my homemade soup!

I was meant to be off on holiday today for Christmas shopping but have a lovely lady’s funeral on Thursday 21st so had to hold my holiday for that. It’s fine as the day passed quickly with no drama from the Julesie for a change. 😂

The above is so true. It’s just about remembering to change your natural reactions when you respond to something. It’s not always easy but being aware of it is half the battle.

I went to the Aldi after work tonight and it was HEAVING….. I helped a wee lady find the Aldi alternative to Bisto gravy granules and she was so pleased with me. She said she knew she was right to ask me…. She made me smile all the way around the shop. I then looked for her when I found actual Bisto on one of the centre aisles, but I couldn’t see her. I love making those small connections with people I don’t know. Something simple, something nice and we both have a wee smile.

Christmas is a difficult time for so many people.

I’ll tell you I hate Christmas and New Year… but really I don’t have the evidence to back that up anymore. I just think I do.

Please know that any of these numbers are available to you in the UK.

Early December 2019, I was at my lowest ebb… I honestly couldn’t see how I could make it through Christmas and New Year. The pressure to be festive. The pressure to perform. Watching everyone else “appear” happy and festive. Eating, drinking and being merry. I just wanted to cry all the time. I wanted to hide. Not to be seen by anyone.

Thankfully I went to the Doctor as it was so bad and she really listened. She saw the state I had got into and she decided to change my anti-depressants. I could hear the concern in her voice. She booked me the first appointment on the 27th December at 9am so that I knew I was going to see her and give her an update.

Quite honestly I was never going to do anything bad but I felt so low that I just couldn’t see the point of life anymore.

I think it’s important for me to keep talking about that as to see me now you wouldn’t think it.

We have no idea what’s going on in other peoples heads. We have to be kind to everyone we meet.

Christmas doesn’t have to be the matching jammies, the perfect tree, the most nights out. Christmas can be a quiet time too. It is what you make it and not for comparison with others, that look like they have it more together than you do.

Just do what you want and when you want it. Be kind to yourself.

Stay safe everyone 🎄🎄🎄

Day 1342 reflections on my anxieties but we had a lovely evening 🎄🥰

It’s 11.07am and I am sitting on the couch with a freshly ground coffee (decaf!) in my lovely new glass that Claire gave me for my birthday.

We had a lovely evening but didn’t get home until 2am. 😳🤦🏻‍♀️😬 That’s unheard of for me! I managed to stay awake just long enough to drive home.

So in true Julie fashion, I’ll tell you some of the anxieties behind the lovely night.

We haven’t seen Craig’s mum and step dad for far too long so it was lovely to be going up to see them at their house. It’s always so festive!

This is how big the snowman ⛄️ is!

Craig’s mum always wants to see the dogs and I have HUGE anxiety taking them anywhere. So Craig obviously wants to take the dogs and his mum wants them to come. Am I the only one that thinks that’s a crazy idea?!?!

I always see the worst in them. I grew up with the children should be seen and not heard and I guess I think that my dogs should be the same… which they are most certainly not. They are dogs. (Obviously)

I can’t imagine why anyone would want 4 dogs running around their lovely Christmassy home…. As I write that I actually have a wee tear… how awful is that that I am ashamed of them?!? There’s hair and dirty paws…. I mean it was torrential rain for two solid days…. Then there’s the noise… especially when they get very excited. Four dogs are impossible for me to control in my total control world.

Maybe it’s time to let go of some of that control and relax a wee bit (no shit Sherlock!)

The dogs were amazing. Craig was amazing with them, as usual. ♥️

There’s a pattern in my life…. I expect the worst, worry so much in advance and it’s never as bad as I think. I don’t know that I’m worrying. I just chose the path of least resistance. I feel so much better these days but it’s because I’m avoiding certain things that have the potential to make me feel bad again. Wow wore tears. Honestly I can’t recommend journaling enough…. I had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down and all this profound stuff comes tumbling out.

Look at them…. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Craig’s mum had them literally eating right out of her hand. Bless. They followed her around whenever she moved. if you look to the right of her… Princess Cookie the Chihuahua is snuggled on her blanket on the couch! This is the first time Khaleesi has spent any time in anyone’s house. She loved being at her new Gran’s house 🥰

Calaidh and Bhru always love Grans.

We were sure there was someone out there?!?!

Yes the were muddy in the garden but Craig’s mum had a big rug at the back door that caught most of the muddy paws and Doug said any mud hoovers up fine the next day, when it’s dried.

We had a lovely dinner! Silverside roast beef and ALL the trimmings and then some.

Doug & Helen.

Cookie is a little overwhelmed.

She usually follows Calaidh everywhere she goes, but not so much this time. she wasn’t too impressed with Khaleesi joining their gang. She growled at Khaleesi a few times and Leesi got the message and jumped away.. it was quite funny to see. I still managed to get some Cookie cuddles! Tickle my tummy Auntie Julie 😂😂😘

A bit blurry but Calaidh sporting my Christmas cracker hat!!

Bless her.

I then had the anxiety of a foggy drive home in Craig’s mahoosive car at 2am. I used to take stuff like that in my stride. Not so much now. I was so relieved to get home…. Incident free obviously!

So…. This.

I think today is going to be all about the cosy blanket. I’m curled up on the couch with Calaidh at my feet. Bhru and Leesi are over on the other couch and Freya is lying on the floor. I’m so, so proud of them. And me… I’m pretty proud of me for figuring it all out.

Also I should say I hit my 1,800 days alcohol free on Thursday… kept forgetting to write about it.

For anyone who knows me, you will understand the true enormity of this. I loved a good drink… my life revolved around it. I need it to make me tick, I’d got into such a rut at work and I guess in life full stop. It was my one release. A chance to forget how dreadfully unhappy I was trying to please everyone except myself. As time went on it stopped numbing the pain and only added to the pain. The shame, regret, hangovers, blackouts.

Drinking is not for me.

It means I get to sit with the awkward, raw and uncomfortable emotions that I feel at times….. 😳😬

But most of all I get to be free.

Stay safe everyone 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

Day 1301 did anyone else sit outside for lunch today?!? 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I didn’t get a chance to say yesterday, but, for those of us in the UK, who’s clocks went back an hour yesterday, was it not just THE longest day ever?!? That was very poor grammar but you get the gist…. It was such a long day, in a good way. It just never stopped ! Craig was ready to head to bed at 7.30pm before he realised!! It’s amazing how one extra hour can make such a difference.

It was a lovely day today. Cold, but the sun shone for most of the day. Ellison and I decided to sit outside for lunch!!

Check us!

I was cold but it’s so lovely to get fresh air at lunchtime and to get away from my desk.

I’ve been a strange mix of in control and spirally anxious today. Ali, at work, did a really good job of talking me down as soon as my anxiety kicked off. I recognised it was happening and managed to see the true picture, if that makes sense. Adding something new into my job totally panicked me, he explained how it would work and straight away I realised I was only anxious of the unknown and once I work through it… it will soon be the normal day to day.

I quickly catch thoughts that don’t serve me. It’s ok that a part of me feels this way. I joyfully release the thoughts and embrace the positive.

I’m still saying this every morning and today has been a prime example of that happening.

Since I’ve come home work I’ve made dinner, been to Tesco for a food shop AND made soup!!

I never go to the supermarket in the evening and yet it only took me an hour and I actually enjoyed it. I love it when I forcefully break one of my self imposed rules, and it actually works out being a great idea. 😂

So that’s all for now folks… awright Bugs Bunny?!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1286 a wobbly morning but off to have a lovely afternoon! 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦

Well the hormones have taken hold this morning for the first time in ages. I am so tearful. The tears are just streaming down my face and while they do stop, they’re back about 10-15 minutes later. This is ridiculous.

I’ve always said I want to tell the truth with this blog, no matter how uncomfortable it is for me to do that.

I’m so glad that Craig has been away this weekend as it wouldn’t have been any fun to be around. Let’s get one thing straight, it’s not being alone that has made me sad… I think it’s my expectations for the weekend…. The amount I wanted to do it needed to be a three week weekend! I was rebuilding the house while catching up with friends and family on top of dealing with the dogs.

I’ve been so impatient with the dogs, not had the confidence to walk the three at once so had to do separate walks where I berate myself all the way round for not managing the three of them… there go the tears again. I met a man with a two dogs off lead and the adrenaline that flowed through me was enough to choke a horse. (Poor metaphor but it did make me smile). Of course it was fine.

Wow, even as I write this I really how difficult my head can be and I bring all of this on myself.

Every step with the dogs was a drudge. Bhru and Freya first, then back for Calaidh. Half way through Calaidh’s walk I felt a surge of positivity and energy which was nice. I smiled, looked around and appreciated the moment.

It didn’t last…. Poor Claire asked if she could borrow two eggs… is there a way to say todays not a good day to be borrowing eggs 🤦🏻‍♀️😔 she spotted it straight away… more tears. Jeez….

I was planning to fast until I head over to Edinburgh this afternoon but I had a egg mayo bagel and it has helped. I’d already done 16 hours fasting so I thought some food would help.

I’m gonna put this out before I go. We have a family get together in Edinburgh this afternoon at mum’s cousin Joyce’s house. (Always call her mum’s cousin Joyce for some reason… smiled again!)

I was have a lovely afternoon and at some point normal Julie will kick back in and no one will ever know. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆😉

At some point I will feel completely calm and forget that this ever happened…. Except that I have written it all down. ☺️

I saw rainbows everywhere this morning.

Heavy overnight frost!

Then I spotted these really cool clouds on the way back down the hill. They made me feel a bit dizzy through the lens. (lens?!? 😂 iPhone!!)

So yeah… not the best morning. No real reason… all hormonal and I’m cringing like a cringey thing putting this out but if you met me on the walk I’d have smiled and you’d have had no idea.

You meet people like me all over the place. Everywhere. You have no idea how someone is feeling. So please always be kind.

I say that…… and don’t be too kind if you see me today as you might get tears 🥹🥹🥹😔😂😂 best just pretending none of this has happened 😂😂

So I’m off to shower, get dressed, hair and make up done and I’ll be fine. I’ll have a lovely day catching up with family I’ve not seen since February. I’ve arranged for neighbours to pop in and let the dogs out.

I have a busy week at work while half of Tartan take holidays at the same time…. But it will all be fine and I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. Again.

Life with crazy hormones can be tough.. but I’m fighting it every step of the way.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1281 World Mental Health Day 2023

It’s the 10th October which means it’s World Mental Health Day.

Is also already 8pm and I wish I’d prepared more for today, given the original reason for the Rambling Sloth.

These World Day’s do raise awareness but my experience is that it hasn’t really changed anything. Mental Health, in my humble opinion, is still dreadfully misunderstood and underrated.

If I cast my mind back to World Mental Health Day 2018….. I had been off sick from my senior management role for about 5 weeks. I’d been crumbling for a very long time. World Mental Health Day 2018 passed by without any big bang. Nothing. I was hanging by a thread and my work were doing a whole week of promotion about mental health. Everyone’s desktop had been changed to advertise it. I was in the house a broken wreck. It was still classed as an embarrassment. Shame. She couldn’t cope. Fell apart. People didn’t contact me or know what to say to me. That’s not fair, some did but what I meant is that it needs to be more than just a DAY and just a box ticking exercise. Businesses need to take this seriously. I took this selfie to remember one day, how badly I felt. My eyes are dead. I was so very sad, I could barely remember to clean my teeth.

There is a very good chance that what happened to me could have been due to peri-menopause. I will never truly know that.

It is what it is and I don’t have any anger left about it. I now see that I was very lucky to have experienced anxiety and depression as it’s shown me a new meaning to life. I have highs and lows but I genuinely appreciate life in the present moment. That’s huge given that I used to live my life in fear. No more.

When you are at your lowest ebb, your mind can play tricks on you. You feel so bad that you think life is pointless. You feel like you are a burden as you are sick of the thoughts inside your head. Despite wonderful family and friends, you feel like you have nowhere to turn. You can’t possibly tell them how bad you feel every time they ask. You begin to think the world would be better off without you in it. I felt like that in this photo.

You would never know. I took this photo so I could remind myself how I felt. I can actually feel a few tears welling up at the thought.

This is hard for me to revisit but I want every one to see these. (I’ve maybe shared this before) There is no obvious sign that anything is wrong. You have no idea how bad someone close to you may feel. People hide it very well. I couldn’t tell anyone for some time after as I realised how dreadful and dramatic and OTT it sounded but it’s genuinely how I felt. We took this photo an hour after. Even I think I look lovely but inside I was very depressed. I couldn’t imagine a future.

So please be kind to everyone you meet. You never know what they may be struggling with.

If you feel low just now, know that it will get better, life will improve, even if it feels hopeless right now. You have to fight for yourself. You have to find money to pay for any treatment you can get. I’ve had counselling, Health Kinesiology and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I’ve spent thousands of pounds that we didn’t really have but I needed to. I’ve met some amazing people along the way. These people become your people.

Fight for yourself. Never give up fighting. You deserve to feel better. And you will. just take each day at a time and know that tomorrow is a new day.

Anyway, I’m rambling now, as usual.

Hope some of that makes sense.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1269 off to Turkey with Gayle! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿✈️🇹🇷

It’s 10.22am and I’m sitting outside Viv’s Nails and Beauty, waiting to get my toes and eyebrows done.

I’m not sure how best to describe my mood… in true me fashion, I’m gonna try!

My stomach is churning. I’m all over the place, I’m frantic at worrying about all the things that might go wrong.

When I actually stop to breathe I know that I am completely in control. There is no stress. There is no panic. As long as I have my purse, phone and passport I will be ok. My head is so used to over dramatising everything, the voice in my head lashes out with an “ah but” every now then. It’s determined to trip me up and stop me from being in control.

We picked Gayle ip at 12.45…. We left the house twice… I had to go back for my hand luggage. I have enough hand luggage to choke a horse. You can just never be too sure in my anxiety ridden world. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

We headed into the airport…. To Jet 2 bag drop, where you actually weigh your suitcase yourself. That’s a new one on me.

We headed into the departures and got through security pretty fast. As we were both starving we went to Frankie & Benny’s for lunch.

Halloumi ceaser salad for me and Arribiata pasta for Gayle with garlic bread to share. A Coke and a Diet Coke. That’s how we roll on a holiday with a tee totaler and someone who doesn’t drink much at all. 😂

We went back to DuTy Free and got some perfumes for £20. I have to say the duty free prices were extortionate! Not what I remember. I think I’ve got CK One Everyone or Everything, it was really nice.

Everything went like clockwork as we literally walked straight through to gate 26 and onto the plane.

It’s dads birthday today and sadly his birthday card has had to come to Turkey with me as there were no stamps for sale in the airport and nowhere to post it anyway!!

We’re about 3 hours into the flight and we’re finally both tired. I can’t load images and might not get this posted tonight.

There was a beautiful sunset!

We flew over what I assume were the Swiss or Austrian Alps. That was really pretty but didn’t come out in a photo.

It’s dark now and nothing to see anymore.

Excited to see what our hotel is like when we get there!

We got a little golf buggy to our room!! It’s now 1.22am and we’re 2 hours ahead. Sitting out on our balcony!

Stay safe everyone 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿✈️🇹🇷

Day 1258 an end of an era as Abbie the Campervan drives away without me 😢

Oh wow, what a day. What a turmoil I have put myself through today.

I did not want to wake up and face what today would bring. I lay in bed with my eyes closed for as long as I could…. 7.11am! 😆

Craig and I were driving over to Livingston to meet the new owner of the van. She already paid up front so I knew it should be really easy but oh my actual word…. The anxiety…… bordering on panic attack. Tightness in my chest, breathlessness.

We weren’t meeting until 1.30pm so I had so much time to put myself through all that. I must have been a joy to be around. 😬 there were a few tears.

At times my head just won’t allow something to be easy, straightforward or calm.

It searches for the worst case scenario in every single eventuality. It’s the worst voice. The worst negativity. but my head revels in it. It can’t just allow me to believe everything will be ok.

I listened to relaxing music in the shower, it made me laugh at the cheesiness of it, but it really did help.

What’s the worse that could have happened?!?

I imagined it all. Over and over. Dramatising everything.

The reality was very easy and straightforward, as I KNEW it would be. I just couldn’t FEEL that it would be.

I was so nervous driving over. I drove really slowly and carefully. I’d taken out 4 hours of insurance to be able to do that. I had to talk to myself and take big, deep breaths. I hear myself, it’s pathetic.

My phone switched on to a Dr Rongan Chatterjee podcast.. called the “top 5 regrets of the dying”…. Not the best subject, given my mood, but a very interesting podcast. I thought we would all benefit from the sentiment.

“I wish I’d lived a life true to myself, not a life that others expected of me”.

Wow.

I can honestly say I’m much closer to doing that now, than I have ever been. My whole life up until now has been based on what was expected of me. I didn’t know there was any other way.

I do now. I do what feels right for me the majority of the time. I just struggle when I have to face things that I don’t really want to do.

Today was one of them. What happens if something went wrong with the van when I was showing them how it worked?!?

Anyway, she was really lovely and she loved Abbie.

We were with them for just over an hour showing them how everything worked. It went really well. She’s the kind of person that wouldn’t say a bad thing about anything.

There were a few tears (no shit, Sherlock!) but it’s just the end of an era. It’s 100% the right one for me but it didn’t make it any easier.

There’s a huge lesson in there, for me, today. I am still so very hard on myself. I put myself through so much stress, none of which is necessary. I do it all to myself.

Bye, bye Abbie. It was fun when the sun shone and everything was in the place where it was meant to be 😆

I should say here that this is difficult for me to write, it’s difficult for me to relive. These were really icky, vulnerable feelings.

But I say it how it is… or was…

I’m tired now but ready for the next chapter!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️