Day 1447 a testing Thursday!

It was a beautiful morning.

The sun was shining… a reminder that good weather always follows the rain. All of this is going through my head as I drive to work. It makes me smile. I wonder who I am on days like this. I should say it’s 3°C so will bitterly cold.

I drove to work this morning in a great mood. I was listening to my Happy playlist on Spotify. Mel Robbins suggested we make a playlist and we should use it to make us feel happy. Chesney Hawkes “I am the one and only” is my got to since I passed my driving test! That was a while ago… 😂😂.

I rarely listen to music. What I’m about to say here will make me sound crazy…. But it makes me “feel” too much.

I always seem to well up with emotion at the memories that certain songs stir. I can’t listen to a song without remembering where I was, or who I was with or what stage in my life it reminds me of. I find myself avoiding music and listening to podcasts. It’s safer.😂

I had a great wee sing this morning but it won’t happen often.

No one opened the gate for me today either but that was ok! I did it myself 😂

I got really anxious about something first thing and let it affect the rest of my day.

Then I upset a lady on a horse tonight, who said I was driving too fast…. I stopped dead as soon as I saw her even although she was on the other side of the road. She was really angry.

You know me. I apologised at the time. I drove off…. I felt awful. Then I was angry. Then I felt awful again. She who doesn’t like to upset anyone got a right dressing down. I guess it worked, as I will think of horses on every road I ever drive on from now on. Just another thing to add to the list of things to worry about.

I’m ok though, I’m actually good, just quiet and I’m now sitting outside in the garden… thinking… it’s cold but I’m enjoying the fresh air. I’ve swept up some leaves and I have the 4 dogs sitting out with me. It feels good to decompress.

My favourite bush is coming into bloom.

It would appear I’ve not been “on” HRT for much of this week. Every time I go to replace my patch, the one I want to remove, is not there. You’d think I’d realise at some point? Nope.. oblivious. Those wee patches must disappear into thin air. I never find them!

Despite all the negativity in my day, I had another great kinesiology session last night and felt very calm afterwards, I slept like a log.

The synchronicity….. I get an email from tut.com this morning which is exactly what Kinesiology was all about. ♥️

Tomorrow is rail trip day as I’m off to Pitlochry to meet Mum and Dad who are on holiday up there. The forecast is SNOW!!!

Least I’m not driving and it might make for some pretty pictures…. If it actually happens!

Have a great Thursday night.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1218 a scorcher of a busy day at work!

What a beautiful day today. It’s been sunny and warm which has been lovely. I was able to wear my shorts to work and not freeze.

I’m sitting outside writing this. It’s windy but warm enough.

I had another amazing sleep but when I woke I wanted to just stay in bed and had to talk myself into moving… to be fair, I had to 😆 but I was super positive. I kept saying “you’ve got this and today is what you make it, it’s going to be a wonderful day and you’ll get loads done”.

It ran around my head like a mantra and I smiled every time I thought it. Which was a lot.

The morning went slowly as I started on all the things that needed doing. I was clear and focussed and pleased with my progress. All the while, massively proud of my positivity.

The day is what we make it.

Then I saw my lovely friend Isy posted this.

A major shift in consciousness…. Wow. I love when something like this clicks with me.

Things happened that weren’t what I wanted to hear but I took a deep breath and got on with them. I did what needed doing. Still smiling. Proud of my lack of Julie style reaction.

I can’t pinpoint when it actually went wrong but I became overwhelmed with everything coming at me in the afternoon.

My list long out the window. All the while everything that’s happening is just adding to the list. I’m no longer in control, I don’t have time to write things down before I move on to the next.

I should say here, as I always do, that NONE of these things are the end of the world. It’s my fight or flight reactions that make them the end of the world in my head. Nothing is insurmountable (I’ve used that recently 🙄) but it’s true, I know that.

Yet I get ratty, defensive, put myself down to anyone who will listen and worst of all… laugh at myself for being so cocky in the morning. “”yeah right, you think you’ve got it sussed, you’ll never have it sussed”. I speak to myself in a way I’d never speak to my worst enemy.

I have to take Abbie the camper van to the garage to get a once over before she sells. I’m not happy with the steering and think she needs a new power steering pump though hoping it’s less than that.

I left the garage without a lift home and felt all tearful and angry as I left. I suppose it’s understandable really but I feel like a wee kid who needs to have a tantrum. I’m full of pent up irritation and anger, all of it unfounded. I’ve become irritated with anything that doesn’t go my way. Tasks that a few Friday’s ago I was positively bursting to tick off my list are creating anger and frustration as I can’t possibly imagine how I’ll be able to fit that into my busy schedule.

Again, lets have a laugh at that…. My busy schedule sees me sitting with my feet up in front of the tv most nights so I’m hardly rushed off my feet.

So thankfully Gayle agreed to come and pick me up after work and I sat on a kerb at the high school car park for a while. That helped me breath a bit more freely. She then made me laugh in the car which really helped.

Honestly my teeth are crawling in the back of my mouth right now….. I messaged Angela, my kinesiolgist, to pull forward next weeks’ appointment and she can see me at 7.30pm. This stuff works wonders for me and I know I’ll feel better when I’ve talked it through. I feel better writing it down too.

I always vow when I’m like this, that I’ll never feel like this again and yet it keeps coming at me. I wish I could just let the bad feelings go but I hold onto them, swing around on them and get irritated by how they make me feel. Maybe that’s what I need to work on tonight.

Sorry…. I hear myself. I had such a lovely Sunday. I need to hold on to that…. Which means more photos!!!

Passing the Tall Ship on the Clyde.

On our way… Craig took this!

The Renfrew Ferry jetty. This is the only Clyde ferry that still operates across edge 200m river. The Captain said it was very popular with pedestrians.

Heading to the Erskine Bridge.

The Glen Sannox, CalMac ferry still under construction.

The Cloch Lighthouse.

Dolphins…. Honestly! 😂

Millpond.

I’ll leave it there for now. still millions more to share 🙄

Health Kinesiology awaits.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1212 has a nice to ring to it!!

Day 1212 eh?! Who’d a thunk it!

Talking to mum on the way home tonight and I told her that writing this blog is a form of meditation for me. It allows me to review my day and assess my feelings and emotions…. And boy have I been angry today. Like lighting the blue touch paper all the time.

My ego has been a pain in the ass today. It feels so hard done to for no reason and kicks off every time something doesn’t go my planned way.

Life can’t always be straightforward, it can’t always be planned. I need to be able to adapt but I seem, sorry my ego seems, to find this so hard to do sometimes.

I try to have everything planned to the nth degree. I have to do this to keep my anxiety in check, it’s the way I work. I struggle feeling out of control. It blows up like a volcano that way over exaggerates the actual thing. I either need to be in control of it all or none of it. I need to find away to be in control of some things at some times and other things at other times and not being sure what things when. 😂

I have to be honest and say I’m actually laughing at that now. Honestly I can be a complex soul at times.

I walked in to a bike rack on the back door of a van today. I was walking round the back of the van when the door was open and the bike rack sticks out…. I followed boss man but didn’t obviously take as wide a berth as he did. He heard the whack and came running!! I was actually really lucky that it hit square across my forehead and not my glasses or the top of my head. I only have a very slight dent that wasn’t there earlier!

It knocked a bit of sense into me!!

So I’m just back from crochet and we had a good blether tonight. Births, marriages and despatches!!

We took a wee walk to a new meadow garden that’s been planted at the end of the village…. It’s so lovely and EXACTLY the look I was going for with my meadow garden last year. Mine did not work AT ALL!!

So pretty!! Thanks to Rachel two doors down for the good shout. She spotted it walking the dog this morning.

So yeah, not that proud of my reactions today, just another learning curve. The joys 😂😘

There’s always tomorrow!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Day 1169 a teensy weensy bit grumpy this afternoon but clawing it back!

I was shattered when I got up this morning again. Slept like a log all night and could hardly move when the alarm went off. Since starting HRT I reckon this would most likely be time of the month, but nothing happens anymore so maybe I just have the lethargy and negativity so graciously served up at this time, or I’m actually just tired and grumpy!

I dragged myself out on dog jog and actually felt so much better for doing it. I was very grateful for dog sniffing to save me jogging!

It’s super cloudy this morning, rain forecast but warm considering it’s only 6am.

So I actually felt great this morning.

Noticed that I wasn’t able to like any comments on my new Just Jules Photography page first thing, but figured it must be a signal issue and didn’t think any more of it.

Got the monthly stock check completed today which is always a big task. All these ducks that I want in a row for finishing up on Thursday, grew arms and legs and started walking away from me! Jobs that I thought were easy became more than I bargained for. I think I have to accept that I won’t get it all done.

I also felt a bit like this before we finished up for Iceland. The pressure I put on myself, to leave everything in a perfect state, makes me anxious and worried when things don’t go to my well laid plans. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. I catastrophize about everything that could go wrong when I’m not there to manage my side of it. Why would I ever take holidays eh?!

Today’s motto was “ works well under pressure…NOT!” I reckon. I do not work well when I’m out of control, that’s for sure.

I found out at lunchtime that I was on some kind of 9 hour curfew with Facebook….

My activity didn’t follow which standards? Doesn’t help that everyone I told said “what did you do wrong?” 🥺

My account was hacked a few weeks back. Someone random accepted s friend request that I hadn’t made. I caught it quick and my password was changed. since then they keep asking me if my activity is my own…. Which is great really but it feels like FB hasn’t been the same since. My newsfeed has been dreadfully slow, mostly businesses and I hadn’t felt right for a while. Now this. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Then the doctors surgery phoned to say, “good news, we have managed to track down some Utrogestan (progesterone) for you…. You just have to collect it in Howood”

😳

I felt so deflated by everything. Real doom and gloom and humphing about thinking it’s so unfair I can’t even drink to cheer myself up.

None of these things are a big deal…. I apologised to the lady calling from the doctor, for my dejected tone and told her I’d just had a bad afternoon and I thanked her for trying to source the progesterone… she felt really bad that I had to try and get to Howood which is actually 12 minutes from here. That puts it into perspective doesn’t it! I work 5.5 days a week and don’t have any spare time to go and get it…. But I will have to make the time!

So I listened to Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast on the way home.

That did the trick. Sorry I should also add that I vented it all to poor mum… that probably really did the trick and the podcast smoothed over the cracks.

Take time for yourself every day to be present in the day.

They called it a ritual. I don’t imagine much more of a ritual than writing a daily blog every day, so it was great to hear of the benefits of doing something like this. Sitting with your emotions, anger, fear and worry and trying to understand it. Even if only for 30 seconds a day. This, of course, takes me way longer than that 😆

The blog hasn’t posted automatically over to FB for 3 nights now. These things are sent to try us! There’s good reason so many people avoid it! Will see how it goes tonight.

It’s a beautiful evening. The sun is hot. I’ve had another lovely salad, fasting is still going well and we go on holiday on Saturday. So much to be grateful for. I’ve had an alcohol free pink gin and lemonade in a gin glass with a huge ice cube!!

It made a lovely sound as I swirled the ice cube round in the glass. Like a bell ringing… kinda.

I would love to get up for sunrise tomorrow morning on Summer Solstice but it’s at 4.34am and the forecast looks cloudy…. I would also love to stay up for sunset at 22.07!! I am fairly certain my tiredness will allow neither. 😆

Stay safe everyone ☀️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿☀️

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