Healing mental health during COVID-19 times and beyond
Author: Julie
Iām healing from anxiety and depression and exploring my way through a whole new lovely world with an abundance of awareness and a new love for lifeā¦ and travelling the world!
I woke feeling brighter this morning, a sliver of hope that the worst may have passed. I spend a bit of time on my phone looking for positivity and I got hit between the eyes with itā¦. Here are a few to share.
I hear yaā¦
If thereās no joy then time is covering up the present moment. Thatās exactly what Iām doing just now, Iām panicking about time passing me byā¦ not focussing on the moment st hand.
All I am focussing on are the problems, I canāt see beyond them to the possibilities but I can see that todayā¦.
And thisā¦ā¦ this will be the year.
I had an ok day today. The sun shone outside and it was cold but lovely. I came home and walked Calaidh and Freyaā¦ it was a lovely end to the dayā¦ I chatted to mum.
thenā¦ I made dinnerā¦ another Green Chef vegan deliveryā¦ mushroom āshepherdsā pie.
It was really super tasty.
So itās late before I sit down but Iāve emptied and refilled the dishwasher too. Itās the first time Iāve felt like doing anything in the evening and it feels good.
Iām watching Manifest on Netflix. Iām really enjoying it.
Iām not out of this strange spell yet but Iām still focussing on gratitude while I go through it. That is so unlike the person I used to be. Iām proud of myself when I am aware of things like this.
The universe is trying to tell me something and I just need to stop screaming at myself long enough to listen.
Another amazing sleep and I got up at 8amā¦ I went to let the dogs out but ended up not going back up to bed like I had planned.
Iām so lucky that I can sleep. My head is in turmoil, itās churning round and round. I canāt settle. Chaos in my soul indeed.
I decided to take Khaleesi and Freya out this morning. The mist cleared and this wonderful sun appeared. It was huge.
While it was cold there was a lovely warmth to it. We had a lovely walk.
The sun really helped calm my mind and helped me breathe.
It was really beautiful āļø
The mist came back in again and itās been a fairly meh day weather wise. Writing this makes me realise how lucky I am to have had such a nice walk this morning.
I wanted to go to Run 4 It in Glasgow, this morning as I really wanted some running trainers that would keep my feet dry.
I want to run more but without wet feet!
You run on a treadmill in here and they record your gait so it means Iād get shoes that āshouldnātā hurt my knee.
The trainers I bought for the Fit Body Farm just seem to soak up the water on the road. Iām not charging straight into puddles but they are squelching by the end of the run.
So the shop assistant said there was no such thing as indoor or outdoor running shoes. She smiled and said if we run outside we just have to accept that our feet will get wetā¦. š³ my mood makes me incensed at thisā¦ while I smile sweetly through gritted teeth. I try to tell her when I bought my existing trainers there we picked the indoor onesā¦. From the same shopā¦. but sheās having none of itā¦. š Then she produces 2 pairs of water resistant trainers.
She says they were both good for my gait so I picked a pair of Nike that are khaki and maroon.
There are no prices in Run 4 Itā¦. When I took them up to the till I freaked and then wanted to back out but couldnāt. I can barely decide what I want to eat for dinner let alone what trainers to buy. I did get them in the sale and got about Ā£12 offā¦ they are in the house and I will decide sometime when my head stops screaming at me. (Also turns out that Nike advertise them as waterproofā¦. Whoād a thunk it?!? š)
We then went to a place called Jojo Mac for lunch and had a veggie burger. Craig had a burger burger š we havenāt been in Glasgow city centre for a long time!! It felt really strange and honestly, while the food was good, Glasgow was not actually that niceā¦. Sooo many people!!! I am definitely not a city person anymore, if I ever was.
We came home and I took Calaidh and Bhruic a walk while Craig make some enquiry calls.
Iām angry this afternoonā¦.. my head wonāt shut up, round and round blaming everything and everyone. And yet thisā¦ā¦ is what I need to listen to.
I am creating all of this noise inside my head all by myself. The chaos is so loud, I just want to shake it all out.
As u say that I am very calm writing this which really helps. The calm is so welcome when it comes.
I know that this will passā¦. I just have to sit with the discomfort until it doesā¦ without the wine to numb it.
I will still say that this is a reminder to make the most of the week ahead and try to be in the present moment as often as you can. do as u say not as I seem to be doing right now šš
Another fantastic sleepā¦ yesterdayās anxiety left me exhausted. We went to bed about 8.30pm and I slept right through until 6.30am.
I didnāt feel great this morning. I guess you could say today was a day of two halves but the opposite from yesterday.
I felt really tearful, I tried to hide it as no one wants to live with Negative Nelly. It just shows you that I have a lovely day ahead but Iām still not feeling great. My friend Tracey in Canada said something yesterday that has sat with meā¦. What are you trying to ignore? Is something not dealt with that youāre trying to preteen is fine?
Wow. Exactly thatā¦..
I think of all the positives of today but still my stomach churns. I feel so out of sorts, should I cancel, should I go? I know Iām going to go but thereās an anxiety about it thatās irrational.
More yellow than green šš
I head out with Bhruic and Calaidh, forget my phone because my headās all over the place and bump into my neighbour Hollyā¦. She makes the mistake of asking how I amā¦ tears. Magicā¦ she goes and gets her dog and comes with me. Itās freezing this morning and a bit misty but itās lovely to have company on the walk.
No photos obviouslyā¦.
I jump in the shower and head down for Gayle just after 10 and we drive up the side of Loch Lomond to Luss.
She knows Iām feeling rough but she doesnāt push me until Iām ready to chat. We catch up on the day to day.
We got to a lovely coffee shop that Claire first took me to, the Coach House in Luss. We had a lovely cheese and coleslaw rollā¦. I canāt decide what I want so I order the same as Gayle and itās lovely.
I then had a Banoffee Coffeeā¦.. THE most delicious flavoured coffee ever AND a scone with cream and jam. Very decadent but so lovely. Gayle treated me to lunch which was so lovely of her (especially after I ate so much!!)
We went for a wander round the lovely gift shops and down to the pier.
Luss is the really beautiful heritage village that was featured on Take the High Road. Itās so pretty but hard to get a decent photo today with the residentās car parking.
Itās lovely when everyone has flowers outside their houses in spring and summer.
This beautiful building is a gift shop.
And THIS is the view from the front door. Stunning.
Ben Lomond is in the mist above my headā¦ itās raining now.
You can almost see the snow covered Ben in this photo.
Out on the pier looking back onto the village.
This is another lovely street in the village.
We had a lovely wander round and it was really good to talk to Gayle and try to make sense of some of the intrusive thoughts in my head.
I definitely felt better for it. Some of our chat stopped the stomach churning so it really helped.
We drove back home and stopped on the banks of Loch Lomond near a huge puddle at Duck Bay Marina. I wanted to get some photos.
My friend Helen will be so proud of these reflections in a puddle. A mahoosive puddle. It always floods here.
Loch Lomond itself was pretty high water.
I was never going to cancel today but Iām so glad we went.
Back home and Craig arrived back just behind me. 3 mobile phone service has been down for a lot of the day so we couldnāt phone each other.
We popped into the pub to catch the end of the rugby and had a lovely catch up with some neighbours.
So yeah, Iāve had a lovely day. I feel really insular and quiet, I donāt know quite what to make of anything or where to put myself but Iām calm for now. Comfies on, football only has 3 minutes left to go (praise the Lord) and maybe then weāll get a good movie on.
I had the best sleep. I woke at 6am, no tension and felt really happy. I was soooo looking forward to my day off. When Craigās alarm went off at 7.30am, I ruffled his hair, said āguess whoās feeling better today?ā And started to fill him in on Icelandās latest eruption. I was buzzing. Poor Craig had barely opened his eyes and Iām shoving my phone into his face. š
I didnāt realise that it started yesterday. Thankfully it seems everyone was evacuated safely but this lava has moved faster than the last couple of eruptions and has covered the road junction for the Blue Lagoon. Itās awful for everyone involved as Iām sure the Blue Lagoon was heaving every day and itās had to close a lot these last few months. Now it will need a new road. (I might have this all wrong but thatās my afternoon caffeine induced anxiety talkingā¦)
I had a lovely morning. I went a run with Rachel two doors down. we ran for over 2 miles. I found it hard but I was so glad we did it.
I came back in to thisā¦. The dog master.
I sat and had a coffee with Craig. Didnāt go for decafā¦. š¤¦š»āāļøš
Then back out for a much slower jog with Freya and Calaidh. Love how Freya always looks back at me when I take the camera out! (Phoneā¦ obvs š)
I had my shower and set off for my appointment at Vivās Nails and Beauty to get my toes and eyebrows done. I wittered away like a budgie to Viv. I told her I felt quite hyper today. š
I then went to the little gift shop for some birthday presents and spent AGES choosing what I wanted. Lovely to see Gayle but Iām meeting her tomorrow so I said we couldnāt talk about anything of any importance šš
By that time it was around 1pm so I headed to Curiosity coffee shop and had an oat milk latte with a lovely bit of cake. What a way to break my fast.
I have been churned up ever since. On the way home I felt the butterflies in my stomach so badly I felt sick. Really squeamish. In no way, shape or form was it anything to do with what I ate but I think the caffeine and sugar has hit me the wrong way.
I cleared out the kitchen, moving things around as it had become really cluttered, and put lots of things away in cupboards, but I canāt shake the squeam. Iāve sat down on the couch to watch tv to take my mind off it but I canāt find the tv remote anywhereā¦. Itās bright orange and not easily missed.
Tracey in Canada just sent me thisā¦ she has no idea that I spent the afternoon on looking for a remote!!
I literally just want to cry. I think I am creating a panic attackā¦ oh there are the tears. It might take me a while but I can usually get to the bottom of things writing this.
I think the cheeriness from this morning came from a misplaced anxiety. I canāt seem to shake it this last few weeks. I think maybe I need to consider medication again. I donāt want to but canāt cope with this level of fear. Canāt see to type let alone find the orange telly buttonsā¦ Iāve just gone through to the bathroom to try to be sick. Nothings coming up but Iām retching. What a state to get into.
I used to live on coffee to get me through the dayā¦ and now 2 have given me heart palpitations.
Iāve had some work stuff to do today which has generated a bit of anxietyā¦. Iām making it bigger than it is and havenāt switched off to work like I usually do.
Itās been a jittery few weeks on and off.
Craig just called and it really helped to speak to him.
He has the orange tv remote in his pocket!!
That made me laughā¦ā¦ I was going mad looking for it!
So yeahā¦ honest blog again. Anxiety doesnāt want me to put it out but I will cause thatās what I do. Iāll just not be able to look anyone in the eye ever again ššš
How lovely is this card I found in the little gift shop.?
I slept ok but woke with a thumping headache and was super tense. Iām fairly certain Iām doing this to myself. Iām still fighting something rather than relaxing into reality.
I felt surprisingly ok when I got up and got moving. The headache passed pretty quickly.
I tried to have a present moment shower but Anne McNerlin keeps popping up as it was her who told me about being present during your shower. It does make me laugh. š
Iāve felt ok today, a couple of wobbles, a bit of anxiety and some moments where I felt totally in control the anxiety was nothing like yesterday so Iām grateful for that. .
I know Iām over analysing everything. Iāve felt so low this week and I guess I worried about sinking back down the way. If I stop long enough to really focus. I know I am streets ahead of where I was. I donāt understand why Iāve felt so low. Think lots of people are the same just now.
So Iāve decided I need more exercise.
I met Gemma, from work, tonight down at Barassie beach and we did a 5K walk in the biting wind and light rainā¦ donāt laugh at our selfie.
It was sooooo cold and I forgot to take my hat. It took us an hour but we walked into strong headwind on the way there. it was so much warmer when we turned back.
Gemmaās dog was bombing about on the beach having a blast.
Haha fashion oot the window!
Looking over to Troon harbour where the Arran ferries are sheltering from the next storm thatās coming.
Hereās our headlights as we left.
Iām really glad we did that. It would have been too easy to miss it tonight, the weather was pretty bad. I would never have done that by myself and itās great to have company to exercise. I hope we can do it more. The beach is 11 minutes drive from my work. Canāt beat that.
So itās my weekend now. Iām so looking forward to the time off after working all of last weekend. The weather is going to be pretty rough again but Iāll try to get out and about as much as I can. I know exercise helps my mood. I need to get back at it.
I went up to bed last night at 8pm and went to sleep just after 9pmā¦.Out for the count until 5am when I woke up to remember something I hadnāt ordered at workā¦. The day continued in much the same vein.
I have a dodgy tum which could be due to the introduction of a vegan meal yesterdayā¦ š I have butterflies in my stomach ā¦ I donāt feel quite right.
There was a car right behind me most of the way to workā¦ I was super anxious driving while he was behind me. I didnāt relax at all and made silly mistakes.
It didnāt stop there, I was super anxious all morning, breathless and panicky at one point. It was coming over me in waves. I felt really jittery. Like Iād drank a pot of coffee. I felt an impending sense of doom that everything was going to go wrong.
Iād seen this first thing and was determined to use it all dayā¦ā¦ out the window at the first sign of nerves.
So yeah itās honestly not been the best day. I texted Craig about it all and the anxiety did calm a bit after Iād put āpen to paperā. I realised how crazy it all sounded.
Iāve not been this anxious in a while. Iāve not been right for a few days now.
Anxiety always leads me to feeling worthless. It kicks me when Iām down.
We just had a hammer on the window to say a dog had been hit by a car outside and that it looked like Khaleei. My legs went to jelly, I started shakingā¦.. Craig confirms itās not Khaleesi as sheās there beside him, but it turns out to be a neighbours dog. I hug Khaleesi tight. They track down the neighbours dog and itās thankfully ok.
Today I seem to be collecting things to worry about. Enjoying the drama that anxiety brings. Fighting it rather than letting it pass.
I know that it will pass.
I made a Butternut Squash Thai infused curry for dinner with brown rice.
Khaleesi is licking her lips. It most definitely is ānot for puppiesā. Thatās my stock phrase!
Not gonna lie I was sitting with the blog completely stuck about what to say todayā¦. Then I remembered it was Calaidhās 9th birthday! Craig said heās been wishing her happy birthday all day. Bad dog mumma forgetting.
Heās our puppy Calaidh!
In the famous tartan bed with her polar bear! Itās only famous as it had been in Craigās family for years until either her or Bhruic completely destroyed it. š¤¦š»āāļøš
I canāt believe she is 9 already. We got her for Craigās 40th. Hereās a few of her best picsā¦ sheās a poser.
This next one makes me laugh as it feels like a withering lookā¦.. here she goes againā¦ other photoā¦.
Just throw the ball already!!
Here have it backā¦ story of our lives š¾š¾š¾
Sheās a funny wee soulā¦ obsessed with tennis balls, runs a mile of someone coughs or sneezes, annihilates any toy that comes near here but sheās the most cuddly girl.
Tried to get a selfie with her but itās not working. Getting lots of cuddles though.
Anyhooā¦. It saved me from talking about my day. š
Compared to how I felt yesterday, I have been really good. Iāve been focussed on the present moment.
Iāve not been fighting reality. Thatās always helps. Iāve been a bit foggy minded but thatās ok, itās been a busy few days. Gonna get a super early night tonight again.
Ok so Iām not in a great headspace today and Iām so glad I took a day off work.
Iāve needed rest and peace today.
Last year I managed to work right through the 11 days, but I knew I needed a break today. Itās 1.20pm and Iām still in my jammies. Itās wild out there. It actually feels way more like a sick day than a day off but thatās exactly what I need.
Iām really tearful. Itās time of the month so that is the main reason for raging hormones but I feel like I have a wrecking ball inside my head, bashing everything that I am and everything that I have and everything that I doā¦ desperate to run away and just travel the world. Letās face it everyone wants to spend their whole life on holiday šš»āāļøš
I lay in bed until 9ish and found a really good article by The Mighty, ten songs to help on mental health days and boy did I cry through some of them. Others were upliftingā¦. It did help to listen to them.
I explained it all to Craig this morning and cleared my head a bit.
Soā¦.. weāve booked some holidays, first off, a week in South Wales, in July, for us and the 4 puppers. Itās a cottage that allows 4 dogsā¦ itās really cute and has a hot tub.
Thereās a review that says āholidays with 4 dogs is not always easyā and that spoke to me as they had a great time staying here! The dogs are secured in the garden which is great and welcomed into the cottage. We obviously will clean more than usual when you stay somewhere with 4 dogs so it will be in as good condition when we leave. I hope it will be good weather in July.
Iāve blown the dogs out of all proportion in my head and feel like they are the reason we canāt go anywhere or do anything. Actually, separately, Iām fine with them all, itās just collectively I have anxiety that 4 dogs is too many to take anywhere. So I need to do a bit of work on that.
I have the fear leaving them for someone else too as it seems like a burden, so in my head itās a no win situation. Iām not angry but my mind is causing the same effect, creating boiling water.
Craig is obviously more than capable of handling them all and so this seems the perfect place.
Thenā¦ check usā¦.we booked our next trip to Iceland for 6th Decemberā¦. So this year we are already have more holidays to look forward to, than weāve had in a long time. Itās great when you book with love holidays, you can pay up in monthly instalments.
Itās 4pm now and Iāve made a Coconut Curry that Iāve had delivered from Green Chef.
I have a portion ready for lunch and one for dinner tomorrow. Iām keen to eat more healithy again and to try some vegan meals for a change. Iām not a massive fan of meat at times, so weāll see how this goes and if itās rotten, Iāll go straight back to the meat.
Green Chef give you the recipes and ingredients and you put it all together. I have 3 codes for your first box for free and Ā£10 off the second and third box if anyone is interested.
I feel a bit better now. Iām glad I took the day.
I definitely need to take life less seriously at times. Note to self.
I donāt remember being this tired last year but Iām sure I was.
Iāve had to give in and take the day off tomorrow. I honestly feel like I crawled home tonight. (It doesnāt help that my period started yesterday so Iām generally feeling pretty low anyway.) I found it hard to concentrate driving home, but had to negotiate the diversion too.
Youād never have guessed if you saw me today. All sweetness and light and bubbly until the last hour I reckon š by that time I could hardly remember my own name ššš
Itās been a great 4 days meeting so many lovely people and I hope we generate lots of great business from it. Here we are at the start of the dayā¦.
And here we are at the end when weāre all packed upā¦. The vanās will be moved tomorrow.
It felt different for me this year, last year I was generally buzzing , this year was a bit quieter so while there was the buzz when chatting to someone, there was also a lot of time spent smiling and nodding at people as they went past. š
So I have to be honest and say Iām not in the best headspace and I accept that I need a rest.
I love this next oneā¦ āeven if your head feels like a jar of angry beesā¦.ā A lovely way with wordsā¦
Hope you all had a great weekend and hereās to a great week ahead.
Iām just home (itās 5.30pm) and am so grateful to have got away a half hour early.
Our main road up to Glasgow is closed so there was a bit of a diversion on this weekend, all to be avoided. Glasgow Rangers were playing in Ibrox near where I was and the game was due to finish at 4.45am, so I got away just before that.
I went in early to get some photos of the Waverley which is moored at the Science Centre in Glasgow. It wasnāt the best light.
Canāt wait to get back out in her this year.
Weāve had a busy day today.
Much busier than the last two.
Lots of lovely people!!
I hit the wall after lunch about 2.30pm. I nipped into the loo and could gladly have slept leaning up against the mirror. ššš
There was a lovely sunset on the way home. The sky was stunning. The photos donāt do it justice.
I pulled into a lay-by on the diversion. The road was surprisingly quiet.
My jammies are on, my feet are up. Iāve been promised a takeaway and Iāll get a nice early night.
My knees arenāt sore at all despite all the standing around which is great news. Focus on the positives.
Only 5 more days of work till a break, Iām over half way throughā¦ woo hoo!
Itās really mild todayā¦ was 11Ā°C this morning!
Not gonna lieā¦ I am tired tonight. I hit a wall about 3pm.
Today was really good. We met lots of nice people again today, it was a good bit busier thankfully. I do what I do best and talk to everyone. Love chatting to people I donāt know and making them smile.
I spotted a guy I used to work this and it was SO lovely to catch up. We had a huge hug. š¤ He was made redundant from my old work in 2015 so itās been almost 9 years since I saw him. He just disappeared as people do there. He had no idea what had happened to me and was really surprised to hear Iād been off sick and then made redundant for anxiety and depression. Sorry my position had become redundantā¦. He said I was a really strong character and I laughed and told him times had changed šš
It means a lot to me that he said that without even thinking. It reminds me of who I was back then. A different version of me.
Please donāt think Iām putting myself down here by reminiscing about what was. I know what Iāve gone through to get here and despite it all, I am truly grateful to have learned what I have about myself.
So yeah a lovely day. Buzzing to share who we are and what we do.
Only 2 more days of the show to go then an other 4 at work until a break. Iāve worked 5 so far and 6 to go so nearly there!
My parking sensors havenāt been working since Tuesday. Theyāve been beeping really loudly all the time. Yesterday they started nee-nawing at me š I videoed it to send to our auto electrician. He was so kind to turn up at the end of the show today, as he lives nearby, to try to fix it. He sprayed all the sensors with some alcohol to dry them out. He realised that one of them was missing altogether and it had fallen back in through the hole. It was constantly beeping as it was picking up the body of the car! Itās pretty obvious when you think about it. so gaffer taped back in for now and all good. Heāll glue the next time heās passing.
The car was also in the garage on Wednesday for brakes which turned out to be no fault found. Happy with that.
Hope you all have a great weekend and hereās hoping for 2 busy and fast show days!
What a beautiful start to the dayā¦ I spotted this Scotland flag š“ó §ó ¢ó ³ó £ó “ó æ above the house just before I leftā¦ of course I had to jump out and take a photo!
It was quite spectacular šš“ó §ó ¢ó ³ó £ó “ó æš
It the first of 4 days with Tartan at the Caravan Show on the SEC.
We have our customerās purple van in our stand! šš itās getting lots of attention for its colour.
Our other Fiat Ducato is on the BC Motorhomes stand round in the next hall.
Iāve had plenty time to wander about the other vans today too. Itās been surprisingly quiet. We are in the same location as last year but the hall behind us is open too so I think lots of people are walking into that hall rather than coming along our corridor. Hope the next 3 days are busier.
Iāve still really enjoyed it. I did a ācome and see usā video for the Tartan Camper FB page, one take, donāt overthink itā¦. Post it, done!
So yeah, home, pub for a wee 0% G &T and now making dinnerā¦ only 7 more working days to go before I get a break š¤¦š»āāļøš
Head wise Iām good because Iām busy and doing what I do bestā¦. Talking to people!!!
Wow where did that storm come from today?!? The last few storms have had namesā¦ I heard no mention of this one comingā¦. So this was just wind! šØšØšØš
I think the difference is the last couple have been worst overnight while this one raged during the day. There was a good couple of gusts I really worried for the porta cabin! Thankfully I provided adequate ballast. š
Tried a new photo angle šš
Scary!
I had a fab sleep last night, earplugs and eye mask, took my progesterone and paracetamol for a sore head, what a picture eh?!?!
Iāve still be a bit all over the place today but this is a prime example of how my FB feed works for me.
This next oneā¦ everything this last week has been resistance. Not living in the present moment. Not loving the present moment.
And thisā¦. Oh yeah!
Anyway , I best dash, Iāve made dinner, eaten it, written this and am meeting the Crochet Hookers in 5 minutes in the pub next door! Gotta go hook!
I slept like a log last night but woke in a complete lather of perspirationā¦. Us ladies perspire obviouslyā¦. Oh come on I was sweating buckets šš the sheets were soaking again but at least I hadnāt realised and it didnāt keep me awake.
Iāve been antsy and irritable all day today. Completely self inflicted and all in my own head. I didnāt really relax. I wasnāt in the present moment. I was focussed on anything but the present moment.
I knew I had to fix it so headed down to the sea for sunset. Itās been a beautiful day today, albeit, really cold. The sun has shone for the first time in a while. It was lovely to see.
The sunset was spectacularā¦ hereby follows a million photos of the setting sun, but to set the pictureā¦.. I was FREEZINGā¦ completely under dressed for the weather. Check thisā¦.
šš I was being slapped in the face by the sandā¦. It was really quite sore on my freezing cold face. The phone was covered in sand which didnāt seem great so I didnāt stay too long. But it was so beautiful!!
It was so windy it was difficult to keep the phone straightā¦. Hence some wonky photos šš
The birds were floating about on the thermalsā¦ it was lovely to watch. They kept sweeping on by.
A lovely skyā¦. And it did the trick.
Back home and the house was sooooo cold but definitely warmer than the beach!
I didnāt sleep well last night. I had night sweats and woke at 2.35 with a thumping head and soaking wet sheets. Iām very lucky that doesnāt happen to me often.
My 2.40am hunt for paracetamol was fruitlessā¦ I was sure they were in my handbagā¦ but no, couldnāt find them. I should say here I have THE tiniest handbagā¦. The paracetamol were all present and correct when I checked the handbag at 7.15am before workā¦ of course they were. š
I woke again at 4.30 and just before 6ā¦ too hot so out from under the downie, then freezing. The joys.
Thankfully the headache didnāt returnā¦
Also Bhru had been quite badly sick after yesterdayās blog so I was pleased to see she had been fine overnight.
As I lay in bed I searched for that rotten feeling so I could be justified in staying off sick. I couldnāt face work. I hadnāt slept, Iād be shattered, Iād be grouchy, my head hurt, did I have stomach crampsā¦. Etcā¦.
I gave myself a shake, got out of bed at the alarm and have been absolutely fine all day. Neither up nor down. If anything Iāve been goodā¦. Check my reluctance at admitting to that.
Our ego is a funny thing. It wants to wallow in the sadness, the injustice of things but actually I seem to be able to see it now and shut her up. Iām smiling at that. Itās good to smile after the last few days.
A lovely sky tonight.
Iāve made us a nice dinner and I feel like Iām being watchedā¦.
So yeah, not the best of days today but Iāve still been for a dog jog AND a long dog walk so thatās gotta count for somethingā¦. AND Iāve tidied the house and gone to Tesco for a food shopping.
Iām gonna make this quick because I know this will pass. Iām not giving it power over me by writing about how I feel today. I will share some of my photos thoughā¦. Even though itās been a very grey and windy day.
Calaidh and Freya have their jog on this morning šš»āāļøšāš¦ŗš¦®
When they start off they are actually running with excitementā¦. Woah woah woah woah woah puppersā¦ mumma canāt keep up š
Iām wearing old trainers as my feet get so wet outdoors in my current trainers, yet these old ones make both knees hurt almost immediately. I limped the last stretch home.
Changed into my walking shoes for a long walk with Bhruic and had no pain AT ALL. This knee pain is so strangeā¦. Since we started sleeping at the bottom of the bed (like crazy people!) Iāve had no real knee pain at night, Iām not even having to use the pillow for elevation. Who knows whatās happening there?!
Bhru and I walked a way I havenāt gone for ages. I wanted to spend some one on one time with her. We passed the trees I used to see on my way to counselling every week. I think of them as my therapy trees.
Bhruās not impressed!
I let her off lead and work on recall. Sheās really good.
Sheās loving the freedom.
We walked to this wee burn and back. Not been here in so long. She wanted to go and run in the field but there are sheep in the back right field and I wasnāt convinced that it was secure enoughā¦ taking no chances.
This is the level weāre at todayā¦ I love the deep tyre treads a tractor makes.
Iām fascinated but the shapesā¦. Big circles on the top and hexagons, under the weight at the bottom.
I saw my first snowdrops of the year! So pretty.
I came home and ran about doing random housework and tidied up some things in the garden that had blown over in the wind.
I headed down to Tesco for a food shop and diesel ready for my 11 days of work ahead.
So yeah, inwards and upwards as they say. (oh Freudian slip there!! Iām leaving that in)
Itās pretty dull outside so I have my new Sand + Paws candle burning. I got this from Craigās sister along with my Joma bracelet.
I wuf you š¾
The business was set up by girls in California to get rid of the smell of wet dog after being down at the beach. Just wet mud here today!
Iām at 21 hours fasting which Iām really pleased about. I can only do this at weekendsā¦ I canāt manage a long fast through the week. I never set out to do a long one, it just happens some times . Craigās made his amazing rice pudding so Iāll be having some of that shortly š then Iām gonna have a nap!
Wide awake at 5am, got up and moved down to the couch to read. Subsequently felt shattered all day.
I got Calaidh and Bhru ready and out for 8.30am and we did the first dog jog in monthsā¦. It felt really good. It blew the cobwebs away and the poor puppers were wondering what on earth had happened all of a sudden. We were all breathless when we got back, though not sure they had done anything more than a fast walk šš I forgot to take my phone so no pics.
Back home and changed into walking gear and took baby Freya down to the little gift shop to get a birthday card.
She was so good. I did some lead training with her on the way. She doesnāt go out on her own that often so itās good for her to get some socialisation and go see her Auntie Gayle.
We talked for a wee bit too long and she actually lay down and almost nodded off.
Bless her.
Look at the poor gate on the way back home. Itās just hinginā in there isnāt it?! I felt really sorry for itā¦. Empathy for an old gate. Whatever next?!
I lay down for an hour and read and tried to nap but didnāt. Got up and had a shower before Craig got home from work.
We have been up at my sis in laws for our nieceās 16th birthday party. How can she actually be 16 already?!?
We had some lovely party food and was great to catch up with everyone as we didnāt see them over Christmas.
I got a lovely Joma bracelet for my Christmas from them. Itās a gold acorn for strength.
Itās super shiny compared to the others Iāve worn every day.
We played a family quiz game and I always think Iām so rubbish at quizzes. My head just says nope, nope, nope when itās under pressure and my brain leaves me alone. š I did really well and came 4th or 3rd I think but I was just guessing to take the pressure off!! Obviously good guesses. šš
So just a quickie tonight as Iām soooo tired! Hope you all have a great Saturday night!
Itās 5.15pm and Iām over 20k steps alreadyā¦. Some days I can barely scrape 2k so thatās not bad going.
I had a great sleep and met Rachel two doors down at 8.20am for our weekly run. (Forgot to write about it last week but we have done it every week in January!)
We ran a bit further this week so I was really pleased. Itās āonlyā 2 miles but thatās 2 miles more than I did in the last 6 months!! how red do I look?!?
We had to take Craigās car to the garage for its service and then I started walking the millions* of dogs we now own.
It was actually a lovely morning. Cold but dry and sunny.
First up Calaidh and Bhruic.
The burnās quite full after all the rain.
Bhru is checking it out.
Back home and swapped them for Freya. Did a bit of recall training with her.
Sheās really good when sheās on her own with no distractions.
Wee sweetieā¦ sheās still my baby!
The low winter sun makes everything look lovely. Only downside is my big shadow in the photo.
Back home and swapped for Khaleesi.
She had a lovely walk.
We caught this lovely rainbow as the rain was heading over, thankfully I missed the shower!
The cloud was low hanging with only a little bit of blue on the horizon as it came over.
Still no rest for the wicked š when I got home I tidied the kitchen, put on a washing and filled the dishwasher.
I found one of my favourite socksā¦ā¦ this is it on my hand with the culpritā¦ showing her what she has done!! Mum can you darn it?!?!? š thatās me asking my mum, not Calaidh asking meā¦. Standing joke some of the socks weāve asked mum to darn!!
When Craig came home from work we picked his car back up and headed to Mocha Jakās for lunch. I had the avocado stack!
I then went down the little gift shop and spent about an hour chatting to Gayle. As you do. Itās looking soooo lovely just now.
Back home and into the pub and weāre both on alcohol free! Craigās done so well with Dry January. Heās made it look so easy.
So home nowā¦. Iāve been a bit antsy today. A lot of my day has felt like a chore and at times Iāve stopped myself and thought, be in the present moment and enjoy what you are doing right now. Thatās really helped. I feel like I need āNOWā tattooed on my hand to remind me.
My knees have been great since last Friday. Theyāre ok ish today so will see how they are tonight after all those steps. They are not stopping me from doing anything which is the main thing!
I just realised that yesterday was the 20 year anniversary of my life changing trip to Australia.
I left Edinburgh airport, surrounded by family, and set off on an adventure of a lifetime all by myself.
Recently divorced and made redundant for the THIRD time in about 2 years due to factory relocation abroad, I couldnāt get rid of the feeling that this was my time to head to Australia and New Zealandā¦ something Iād always regretted not doing straight from Uni. Yes I was terrifiedā¦.. got Valium for the flight from the doctors but didnāt need it.
I was very lucky to have received ample redundancy money over the years so had plenty of money behind me to fund it. (Never did actually add up just how much it cost me and probably should never do!)
We have lovely family in Melbourne so I headed out there to use as a base. I ended up in Australia on and off for 15 months, bouncing around but always ending back up in Melbourne. Jeez I cringe at that actually, they must have been sick of the sight of me for all that time. š
I got a job in Melbourne and stayed there until June when I jumped on a Groovy Grape tour from Melbourne, through Adelaide, Alice Springs, Ayers Rock and up to Darwin. I then flew across to Cairns and went up and down the east coast by bus.ā¦ first up to Port Douglas then to Townsville where I worked in a cafe on Magnetic Island for a month or so. Then onto Bargara, near Bundeberg, to stay with this lovely couple.
I knew Father Norman as he had come to stay in Penicuik and lead the ministry at St James the Less Church, while our Minister John Farrant, went out to his parish in Australia. Have no idea what age I would have been but we spent a lot of time with him. Sadly last night I joined the online feed for his funeral held in Christ Church in Bundaberg at 11.30pm. I went to bed after Crochet and slept until 11.25, then got my earphones in and lay and bed and watched the service. A lovely service for a lovely man. Iāve not seen him in 19 years but I felt I could hear him leading his own funeral service. I can also remember him serving me a cup of hazelnut tea and a cookie šŖ, in his jammies, every morning for the month that I lived with them. A very religious and very kind man.
Since I had left home in the January of 2004, Norman and Gwenn had been to Scotland to stay with mum and dad so it was lovely to stay with them and have that link to home.
I left them and headed south by overnight bus into Sydney, where I stayed for a while. Then on through Canberra and back to Melbourne to say hello.
I then flew out to Perth and worked as an outback barmaid in a town called Dowerin for a while before heading back to Melbourne for Christmas.
2005 saw the trip to New Zealand for 7 weeks as my Australian visa was up. I then flew back in for a few weeks before making my way through Thailand before heading home in April 2005. Just the most amazing trip.
I always knew I needed to come home to Scotland. I donāt remember feeling lonely as I travelled, I didnāt miss home too much but I always knew Scotland WAS home. My only regret was heading straight back into the rat race with the ābig jobā. I may have been clever enough to work my way up to a Senior Manager but honestly, it was never really in my make up. It was something I felt I had to do rather than wanted to do.
You shouldnāt live life with regrets.
My life lead me to Craig. ā„ļø
If I didnāt get sick through work I might never have found the peace that I have now.
Those 20 years have flown by in the blink of an eye.
Itās the first full moon of the year tonight. I have paid for a full moon calendar (it was only pennies) to remind me when the full moon is due. This is called the Wolf Moon.
I got a lovely photo of last nights moon as I left the hookers in the pub!
Itās also Rabbie Burns Day in Scotland so Iām having veggie haggis for dinnerā¦ the turnip had already gone off, dammit. Nae neeps for us šš
I also had Terryās Chocolate Orange which isnāt Scottish in the slightest!
Donāt worryā¦. She didnāt get it.
Thatās my working week over so Iād best make the most of this weekend! Next weekend weāre at the Caravan z show in the SEC again ALL weekendā¦. š
The Rambling Sloth š¦„ 