I’ve had a lovely day today.

I thought long and hard about my decision to go back onto antidepressants, which I mentioned in last night’s blog.

I don’t have to share a personal decision I have had to make, but for some reason I always feel compelled to tell the truth…. In the hope it will help someone else.

I am just really struggling just now.

There were tears when I woke this morning as I approached the day with dread.

It’s a sunny Sunday, a lovely day off and yet it filled me with sadness.

My mood is just running dark.

That doesn’t mean I hate my life…. It just the dread of having to put a brave face on…. It’s hard work sometimes but you can’t be miserable all the time.

And yet I still have to. I can’t drag everyone else into it all…. So I tell you instead 😆

I decided to head up to Home Bargains for it opening. We had run out of everything and I hate to pay full price so love a wee home bargains.

I spent £106…. That’s a lot of stuff… but we are back stocked up with everything and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

I stress when we run out but I stress at having to go get them too. No wonder I’m always tired.

Ellison messaged early but I didn’t see it until after 11am. Her and her sister were at the beach.

🤔😬

I wanted a quiet day but I decided to go as I knew I’d really enjoy it. Craig was watching the football at 12 so perfect timing.

It was soooooooooooo lovely.

It was cloudier but hotter than it’s been, and I just loved it.

I sat and had a wee picnic lunch.

Then went for a paddle as the girls sat on the beach.

Seamill Beach in West Kilbride is just the best for paddling. It’s all sandy and shallow quite far out.

The sea was really calm. I love the reflection of the sun on the water and the patterns on the sand underneath.

The Isle of Arran looking mean and moody in the distance.

The sea was cold but you soon get used to it.

I went back to the girls and said that I really thought I could go in for a swim.

Eileen had been in already but they were both keen….. so off we went.

It’s Scotland on 11th May and I swam in the sea… in only a swimming cozzie for over 20 minutes.

Well I didn’t really swim to be honest, I just bobbed around but it was just the best feeling.

Like the paddling, it’s cold but you get used it. The nether regions are always the worst but I once they’re numb, you’re fine 😆😆😆

We were really far out. West Kilbride looks lovely in the sun. ☀️

I took my camera out in its waterproof pouch. I could t see a thing without my glasses but the photos came out ok.

Some lovely girls on a paddle board asked if we wanted our photos taken! They were so nice. We all watched a seal for a while. They were scared it would “get them!” I was quick to remind them that the 3 of them were on a paddle board and we were the ones “in” the sea!! We’d be getting “got” first if anyone was!

We came out when we were cold and sat by these lovely sad dunes to warm up.

The warmth in the sun was so welcome. It’s been about 19°C here which is pretty much a summers day for us.

I was back home for after 3pm.

Craig had been washing the car and there was a bit of an accident with the pressure washer…. The hose came off and had been flooding the garden. In the mud. Bhruic was in the middle of it.

Right in the middle of it.

This is what she usually looks like.

Freya was close by.

Khaleesi got her paws in it too.

Calaidh had been playing with a bit of charcoaled wood…. Her paws were black.

Next stop bath time for 3 Border Collies…. I put my swimming costume back on and got in the shower with them. No photos. It was stressful enough 😆

But they are clean and it’s hot enough for them to dry before it gets dark.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

I woke at 4.23am to the sound of the birds.

It was a lovely sound but I couldn’t shut it up…. I stuck my fingers in my ears….. desperately trying to go back to sleep.

I could then hear a dog barking…. Now, we should be used to that but this one didn’t stop. I’ve no idea what was wrong, whose it was but it barked right up until I went out running at 6.45 with Lynsey.

We changed up the route today and ran round Spiers Old School grounds 3 times…. It’s so beautiful in there just now.

Always a toe shot when we get to the end of the road in the Gielsand estate.

Back into Spiers.

This is one of my favourite bits and the photos don’t do it justice. There’s a carpet of wild garlic.

Bearing in mind I’m taking all of these as I run. (Ok sometimes I use it as an excuse to stop to breathe!)

The burn is really low.

And we’re done. 5.7kms in the bag.

Not going to lie, I’m sweating buckets… there is none of this, perspiring malarkey…. It’s pouring out of me, but I head straight out with the dogs.

We head into the field for a run about.

They are all munching away on the grass!

Bhruic heads into the bottom of this lovely tree.

I get arty with the long grass. 😆

I try to get them to pose.

Bhru’s laughing at Freya for hiding in the long grass behind her 😆 actually she’s still mid grass munch!

Collie-flower 😆

The grass is lush.

And finally a bit of a pose in front of the tree!

I was at the little gift shop again today and it was so lovely to see the light coming in the windows.

It’s a beautiful day. I was home by 1.30pm and have been hanging washing, doing more washing and sitting in the garden ever since.

I had to move out of the way of the BBQ smoke!

I hope you’re all enjoying this lovely sunshine we are having. It’s so nice to be out in fresh air.

So……. Deep stuff now.

If you follow my blog or have bumped into me recently you may know that I’ve been struggling.

I’ve toyed with the idea of not posting this but I’m honest with everything I say and I think it’s important for people to know exactly what I’m facing, in case it helps others in the same situation.

There are a whole lot of tears again and I’ve not been like this since I was off sick back in 2018-2020 and beyond.

My life is completely different from how it was back then.

I’m back to 3 meals a day and trying to eat more healthily.

I take magnesium, Vitamin D3, Tumeric with black pepper, a multivitamin, collagen and creatine.

I sleep a minimum of 7.5 hours a night, mostly dead to the world.

I am on oestrogen and progesterone to keep my levels up.

I run over 10k split over two runs a week.

I no longer drink alcohol to manage my stress.

I rarely drink caffeine…. She says tanking a can of Pepsi Max Mango 🥭

I don’t watch any news to minimise any negativity in my life.

I steer clear of people who feel toxic or have toxic chat.

I try to surround myself with as much positivity as I can.

And yet I can’t stop crying….

I had a call with the doctor yesterday.

As I held on to get through to reception I cried at the lovely hold music.

We talked through all of the options and we both feel that I need some time on an antidepressant to try and help me out of this hole.

The tears well up as I write that.

I never thought it would come to that again.

I’ve been off antidepressants for 1,728 days…. And yes, I was counting.

I tell everyone who will listen, that antidepressants are amazing and can turn your life around and yet I wanted to do it all by myself.

I even messaged Chat GPT today to ask questions about alternatives. This is what it had to say when I said I feel very sad at having to go back on them.

It might be Artificial Intelligence but the answer did hit the spot.

I’ve not got the prescription yet and so I’ve not taken them yet but I really do think it’s what I need.

I’ve not felt great since mid January and the tears are affecting my day to day life again.

There are things going on around me that aren’t great. Nothing like it used to be but it must be enough that it’s affecting me. The Doc talked about transference and how it is possible that other negative situations can have a big impact on someone close to them.

So whatever the reason…. I have to stop the tears.

I’ll get access to online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I have Kinesiology booked for next week.

I work really hard at all this and I’m tired of trying. Maybe it’s time to let something do the work for me for now.

I’m sorry my posts have fallen by the wayside and Her Travel Circle is barely mentioned these days.

Hope you all have a lovely sunny Saturday.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

It’s a beautiful day. It’s warm in the sun but that breeze still stops it from being hot.

I was in bed by 9pm and slept right through until after 6am. I couldn’t wake up. I could have laid there all day.

I got up and joined Craig and Khaleesi in their bedroom for a bit, until they got up and I lay and read until after 8.

Calaidh and I went do a big walk with Holly (next door) and Leo this morning. For locals we went up to Pinkertons and down the Bigholm to the memorial and back through the new path through the newly planted woodlands. It was a lovely walk on such a beautiful day.

The colours blew me away.

At this time of year the green is so green and that sky is sooooo blue.

It’s such a clear day. Calaidh and Leo are loving a good sniff around. I love the old walls.

It’s lovely that everywhere is so dry just now. We can walk without sinking into mud.

Leo was lying in the shade looking very cute until I took his photo!

The yellow gorse is in full bloom.

There’s a Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 flag in the sky if you zoom in! A lovely view.

Calaidh waiting on us.

The Memorial Cairn up the Bigholm hill. (Pronounced Bickham)

Stunning views from up here. Calaidh is oblivious.

The Cairn is in memory of

A very old gate!

An old tree fallen over with a new tree growing in its place.

Lovely single track roads.

Great being able to cross this field since it’s been planted with trees. Don’t imagine the path will be very wide when they grow. It’s funny to see our local area from a new vantage point, in a field we’ve never been in before.

Homeward bound.

It was really good for the soul to be out in that lovely weather.

I was down at the little gift shop this afternoon to help Gayle out as she’s on holiday.

It’s looking lovely.

So it’s hot when I get home and Craig has pressure washed the whole back garden…. it looks amazing.

I actually have my shorts on tonight. The breeze has died right down.

I’m going to sit out here and read my book, with my sunhat on and enjoy this.

And breathe.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

Last night was really good. We went to see Jeff Arcuri in the 02 Academy in Glasgow.

I think it’s his first tour and he’s really funny.

It was so good to have a good laugh.

This is my sis in laws picture…. She was there too! Would you believe I never thought to take photos…. Not like me!

Highly recommend looking him up on YouTube!

I didn’t get to bed until 11pm so felt shattered when I woke this morning…. Almost hungover despite, obviously, not drinking.

I had to take Khaleesi to work today as Craig’s jobs were back to back. It meant that she would have had to have been in a room, by herself, with her cone on. So she came with me while our lovely neighbour let the Borders out during the day.

I was meant to be meeting Lea again and I had to cancel for the third week in a row. I felt so bad but she was so understanding.

I’ve been all over the place these last few days so I never clicked that I was taking Khaleesi to work on the same day I was meeting Lea straight from work.

Check me in the car she says…..

Sitting on the wee V-Dugs cushion in Tartan Camper’s HQ.

And on her own cushion under the desk!

It’s comfy here, she says.

She had a spot out the front door, for a while, tied up securely of course. She loved watching the world go by.

She even had the wee V-Dug cushion outside while we sat out for lunch. (Ellison and I were squinting in the sun!)

She was such a good girl today.

So on to the ferrets…. I met my first ever ferrets today and fell in love immediately! They are the cutest ever….. but boy, can they bite…. One of them bit me straight away and it nipped for a good half hour…. Who knew?! Craig laughed…. It would seem that many people know that, according to him… 😆

Every day is a school day, even at this ripe age! 😆

So an ok day today… no tears which is always a positive.

It’s been lovely and sunny all day.

Always look for the beauty in every day.

I’ve been completely distracted by the election of the new Pope Leo 14th. The first American Pope.

I love that I’ve been in the Vatican Square so recently!

Have a lovely Thursday evening.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

I slept like a log from 9pm until 5.19am… one minute before the alarm. Isn’t it funny that you wake up just before an alarm is due to go off?

It was a great sleep….. she says sitting here at 4pm half asleep again!

I ran with Lynsey this morning and talked at her for the whole way…. Bless her! I was sluggish this morning but honestly, I could so easily have not run and I’m proud of myself for doing it.

5.4kms done before work.

Work was really busy and the day flew by.

There were no tears at all today.

I’ve made contact with a Kinesiology practitioner nearby and I had a quick call with her last night. I don’t know if that has helped but I’m seeing her next Friday. Maybe it’s given me hope for some change. I’m not sure. I just know kinesiology works for me.

I’m away from work early as I worked late last night and Craig and I are off to the O2 Academy in Glasgow to see Jeff Arcuri. It was one of my Christmas presents.

Check us.

A night out on a school night. Whatever next.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

It’s been a beautiful day today…. ☀️☀️☀️

It’s still not HOT but it’s lovely and warm in the sun, out of the northerly breeze.

I could get used to the constant blue skies. There’s barely been a cloud for days.

I, on the other hand am living under a big dark cloud.

For no real reason.

Yes there are things that aren’t great just now but that’s life. There is nothing big and bad like there was when I suffered anxiety and depression before.

My hormones are all over the place.

Mornings seem to be the worst and I just want to cry.

I cried for a whole lot of this morning…. At nothing…. At anything…. At everything….

I tell anyone who sees me, I’m sorry, I’m really struggling just now, there’s nothing wrong.

I’m wiping away tears hurriedly if someone comes in, so they don’t see me. They’re no daft though 😆

I didn’t even tell Craig as there is nothing he can do. It only brings his day down worrying what’s wrong with me.

This really struck a chord from Tiny Buddha….

Bloody menopausal hormones.

I’m off out into the garden to read my book again.

A smile to end from The Impatient Sloth!

We’re off out to see the comedian Jeff Acuri tomorrow night so I’m hoping a good laugh will do the trick.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It’s been a really busy day today at work.

Bank holidays always are.

It’s been a beautiful day that started with frost but ended up in shorts and T-shirt weather.

I’m going to sit out the back and read and book tonight.

I wasn’t ready to break my streak of daily posts just yet, but I’m going to spend a bit less time in my phone while the sun is shining.

With the gang… minus the main man who’s still working!

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

First things first, our super pup Khaleesi is doing great. She slept really well and you would never know she had stitches in her tummy.

She just takes these things in her stride.

I could learn a thing or two from that girl.

I woke at 5.30 and then snoozed until about 7.30am.

I woke up with the fear.

I have no idea why.

Anxiety churning in my stomach. Bubbling away.

I started to catastrophize… so many things running through my head….. bad things that might happen.

Like I say I don’t know where it came from but I don’t like it.

I had another lovely dog walk this morning. Out in the fresh air, breathing it all in.

Freya.

Calaidh.

Bhruic.

It was so clear I could see 40 miles to Ailsa Craig.

I could see 35 miles to the top of Goat Fell on the Isle of Arran.

Gayle picked me up and we had a lovely wee trip to Braehead Shopping Centre.

We had a lovely lunch in M&S. Ham and Slaw sandwiches which were so tasty…. I wonder when coleslaw became slaw but it sounds way more cool….. and maybe a brownie and a coconut milk latte. 😆

I got a lovely sunhat. it’s so not my thing but I really liked it.

I also got a sweatshirt….. I’ve been there and was born then!

We had lots of good chats and a lovely wee trip!

So….. do I finish there or do I just share what’s really in my head….. I find the blog really hard on days I want to say things but I cringe at saying them.

I shared this morning on FB that I don’t have to have everything all figured out and I just need to breathe….. but I find that part really hard.

There haven’t been that many days of this year that I have felt at peace. I’ve spent so many of them with a very jumbled head. That feeling that something is wrong or something isn’t right. (same thing I know!)

I’m so tired of feeling so low.

I take everything personally and build things up into way bigger than they actually are.

I try to use the Let Them Theory but on the down days my negative head wins.

It’s like my head wants to dramatise everything…. To give me something to beat myself up with.

I’m now wondering the whole point of my blog, what life would look like if I reduced the posts or stopped posting.

Maybe I just need a break of being in my own head too much.

Maybe this is just menopause or maybe I’m a bit depressed again.

Who knows.

Maybe a wee break would do me good.

Maybe I’d miss it.

FB have stopped recommending my page again . I was sad about that but wondering what difference it actually makes. I’m not sure I want to have thousands of followers. After 5 years of writing I have 608. I can work on a post for an hour or sometimes two and get 8 likes…. And yes it shouldn’t be about that but when you have a negative head, sometimes it’s hard to ignore.

I’m already on my phone a lot. Saving things to share or writing.

I spend a lot of time on it and for what? Why? What is the meaning of life (😆😆 I chucked that in to lighten the mood)

I love helping other people, I love the connection, I love chatting with people online who become friends.

I feel there is some kind of passion there to follow but I can’t see what it is.

This is not a pity party…. Well it is in my head!Just me sharing from my overactive mind.

I need to breathe.

Again.

I don’t have to have all this figured out.

I need to find some way of making peace with my head.

Whatever it takes.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend!

The sun shone for us and will do for a lot of this week.

I love May, it’s my favourite month so I’m making a pact with myself to do whatever I can to fix this slump, and enjoy the month.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Let’s start with Khaleesi.

She had a good night and woke up a fair bit brighter than she had been last night, probably as the general anaesthetic wore off. Craig had a good sleep on the spare bed too… for anyone who is interested 😆

She’s currently tied to the bench, sleeping at my feet.

I had made a pact with myself. If I woke before 6.30am, I would run with the girls, but I didn’t set an alarm. I wanted to wake up on my own without dogs barking or Craig’s alarm… plus I was in a clean bed!

The birds woke me at 6.22am.

🫣🥴

I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad!!

I was, however, very honest with myself and did exactly what I had planned…. I messaged the girls and said I would be there.

It was a beautiful morning. Hot in the sun…. But surprisingly, bitterly cold in the wind.

I was out a few minutes early for some photos.

Now I’m not going to lie, today was a really hard run for me for some reason…. Not sure why, other than being tired from yesterday, but my legs and breathing were slowing me down and I felt I had to walk a good few times.

Love the early morning, long sun shadows

I’ve loving the contrast… green to blue again.

These trees are also very black, due to the angels share from the whisky bonds nearby.

I love this tree that’s been air cut by the trucks that drive under it, it was also at the top of a long hill!

We were at 6.43kms, when we got back home, so I had to run on to the 6.5kms!!

And we were done….✔️

It was really tough but I’m so glad I did it. Thanks to Claire and Lynsey for pushing me to do it and the good chat!

I sat and had a coffee with Craig, before he went to work and then off out with the 3 amigos.

They were so good. It was a lovely walk! I really enjoyed their company.

My new fav view.

It’s just so nice with no clouds.

Here’s our lovely village.

Arty shot of a wee wildflower.

Dogs running wild!

Spooky tree!

When I came in I took Khaleesi out into the garden. I love when she puts her head between your legs.

I had a shower and took Khaleesi into the bathroom with me so I could watch her. Full time job this, keeping an eye on a pet that’s just had an operation.

She stops smiling as soon as I point the camera at her 😆

I leave her in her room with the cone on as I’m about to head out, she is so good, honestly you’d never know she’d had an operation yesterday. It must be sore and yet she’s lying on the wound.

So I’m back off out again. This time a walk with Holly next door and Leo.

Calaidh is loving 2 big walks.

We walked to Barmill and went to Nosh for a coffee and a can of juice. Calaidh has a wee lie down on the floor while she waits on us ordering.

The park is lovely. We sit for ages and drink coffee and let the dogs sniff around.

Holly gets all the love!

I think this is their way of saying, get a move on, you’ve sat long enough!

We walked through The Vale Trail on the way back, it’s really pretty. The people of Barmill make such an effort with things like this.

It was a really lovely walk!

We ran down this hill this morning now I’m walking up it.

I’m now sitting out of the breeze ans Khaleesi is on her throne. She’s tied up so she can get sunshine or shade but can’t walk away.

I’ve done 22,500 steps already today.

I was going to rest this weekend but I’ve really enjoyed my exercise.

Long may the sun shine and the breeze stay away.

Have a lovely rest of Saturday.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

What a day….. I woke at 4.37am. I tried to sleep until Craig’s alarm went off at 5.30 but I couldn’t. My mind was writing lists 😆

It was closer to 6am when I actually got out of bed. I have no idea why his alarm was so early.

I was all set to take Khaleesi to the vets to get a mammary lump removed…. A good 45 minutes before we needed to leave.

She was a good girl and did all her morning ablutions before we left…. This is her celebrating her poo! 😆 Yay!

I had to drive to Mauchline which is about 40 minutes from here.

I caught her having a yawn.

I wasn’t too worried about Khaleesi’s op but I seemed to create all the anxiety as I drove.

I felt like she knew and was sad… of course she didn’t… and she wasn’t…. But I felt a bit dizzy at one point and was worried I might faint…. While driving… Funny how we create all sorts of negativity for ourselves.

I arrive at 8.18 and we go for a wee walk.

Unfortunately that allows everyone else dropping off at 8.30 to get in before me so I didn’t get out the vets until 9am.

She got bored waiting!

I head straight to Craig’s house in Kilmarnock where I was planning to clean it from top to bottom.

It will hopefully be going up for sale sometime soon and I want it to be ready.

It’s been rented out for years so it’s very strange for me, cleaning a house that I used to live in about 17 years ago!

My lovely in laws were there waiting for me and were such a good help.

I cleaned until 1pm…..

I got wobbly and had to stop. My hands and arms are aching for all that scrubbing but I’m so glad that’s it’s done.

There’s still a fair bit to do but we really broke the back of it.

My old neighbour Jackie was so kind and asked me down for lunch. Lovely cheese and ham toastie! It was so good and gave me some energy back. So very kind of her.

Straight back home for 2.30pm and met Craig who was heading back for Khaleesi!!

So I got the spare bedroom ready for her and Craig to sleep in tonight and I changed the sheets on our bed so I have clean bed!! Nothing better.

She’s home!

It all went well. We chose not to pay the extra £138 to find out whether it was benign or not… the answer won’t change her day to day life.

So we’re both exhausted. That was a big day. Lots of emotional stuff going on for us both. I sound really grumpy when I read this back, I’m not, I’m just very tired.

So is Khaleesi….

She’s sat like this for ages…. She’s trying to stay awake 😆

Bless her wee cotton socks.

Have a lovely weekend!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

I feel like my lovely Coffee & Quoted friend posted this just for me today. It made me smile.

Progress not perfection. Hits the nail on the head.

I’m pleased to report there have been no tears again today.

It’s been a busy day at work, it flew by. I woke up at 5.25am, got straight up, showered and dressed and sat with my Donna Ashworth, Words to Live By journal.

I’ve decided my word for May is BREATHE.

I need to relax about not feeling great 100% of the time. As Coffee & Quotes said above “progress not perfection”.

I need to let go of thinking that any low mood is all my fault…. That it’s due to something I’m not controlling properly or am doing wrong. I need to stop beating myself up for it.

I pushed myself to do two things yesterday and they both really helped me.

I ran in the morning and then went down to the beach for sunset at night.

I AM SO SO SO GLAD I WENT…..

Ellison (from work) and her sister, Eileen, were down on Seamill Beach at West Kilbride.

I arrived at 7pm.

Low tide is in an hour. The beach here is small at high tide but massive at low tide.

We sit for a bit….

West Kilbride behind us is such a pretty town.

We decide to walk down towards the sea. It’s a good way out.

Selfie!

Turning my phone upside down takes a cool shot.

Ellison and Eileen looking like the head of a giant caterpillar!!

I’m in this one!!

The rocks are covered in green! Don’t step on the green, it’s slippy on the green!

The Isle of Arran looking lovely in the distance.

We went for a wee paddle! It was super cold but after a while, my feet got used to it.

I took upside down photos of the waves. I love how these shots turned out.

We sent a wee selfie to work!

I love this one. The water looks lumpy 😆 I love the kids on the horizon planting on paddle boards.

We’re still walking in the sea!

I spotted a seagull coming and shouted to Eileen to get her phone ready…. I got it!!

These photos just make me smile and they make me breathe. I’m not boasting, I just love how they turn out.

It’s so bright you can’t always see the photo you’re taking and just have to hope for the best.

These are lugworm mounds!

Love this!

It kept getting better.

This rock looks enormous! It’s not that big it only because the phone’s down low.

The sun is sinking behind a bank of cloud.

This was a lovely dog, I got kisses!!

We had a lovely wee fire to end the night.

I had such a lovely time. It was just the perfect evening.

It’s much cooler tonight as way more cloudy!

It’s my weekend now and I’m so looking forward to the break.

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️