I woke at 3.25am and lay awake, on and off, until the alarm.

My mind was all over the place, going over everything that’s happened to me over the last few days.

Wondering where the positive, happy go lucky girl has disappeared to. Hey at 52 I’m still calling myself a girl! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not fine at that moment.

I don’t really know why but I’m not good with the present situation. I don’t make peace with my sad. I fight it all the way and want to know who, when, why, what and where.

This year I’ve spotted a cycle where every 4 weeks I seem to feel quite low mood. I’ve not been quite as aware of it before now.

I feel tired, struggle to concentrate, yet my mind is flitting from pillar to post . Guess that’s why I can’t focus.

The present moment, the focus on joy and the light, is out the window. My mind is a hive of activity trying to fix the sad.

I overthink everything and overreact incredibly quickly.

I am irritable.

I get defensive.

I maybe respond to things that I would maybe normally let go.

I am not a saint in my new world.

I still get irritated constantly cleaning up, always picking up the bath mats, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning up dog hair… you all know how it is. That list sounded fairly pathetic…

I pick my battles. I try not to complain or moan most of the time but maybe at times it overflows.

Why do we always show the ones closest to us, the worst of our ugly?

The wrong words can hurt and then bring hurt right back on you.

I’ve changed so much.

I’m hardly recognisable to the person I was 6 years ago and yet I still have some of the same flaws.

They still come out and spoil everything.

I know I’m being hard on myself but I’m so disappointed.

I’m better than that.

It’s been really good to find words to write this out and let it go.

I could so easily have stayed home today. I wanted to hide and cuddle into my sadness.

I knew I wouldn’t. It was just a nice thought.

I had a wobble at work today…. There were a few tears….. and a walk in a field to take some deep breaths.

I heard someone say I was flapping. Harsh. But understandable in the circumstances. I’m only struggling to hold it all together.

Then I saw this at lunch.

I contacted Better Help Online Therapy and made an appointment with a counsellor.

It’s £45 for 30-45 minutes but I’m sure it will help. You’re allocated a counsellor based on the questionnaire you fill in at the start.

It’s not till next Monday and I need to be away from work 10 minutes early but that was the first one I could get.

Ok and now I’ll shut up… I needed to get that out. Craig is working and I am surrounded by sleeping dogs, candle and firelight.

And calm.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️