Day 1749 the calm before the storm and a lot of reflection

I wake just before 6am which is not bad. I get up straight away to start the day. I’m only 10 minutes ahead of schedule!

It’s a beautiful drive to work today. It’s 3.5°C so I don’t have to scrape the car but the sky is clear.

It’s even better by about 8.30am. (Note these are not my best shots as I work in an industrial estate and my foreground doesn’t give me much to play with 😆 check me sounding like a photographer!)

The reality was that these photos were more pink than orange but it was so beautiful.

Damn that lamppost 😆

One of the guys at work took a photo and removed the lamppost.

And finally our Tartan Campervan, Merida showing off that gorgeous sky.

I feel a bit giddy today. A little rush of excitement which I’ve not had for over a week. It’s lovely to feel like that. Especially after feeling down for a week or so.

I’m getting so much out of the connection in Donna Ashworth’s new journalling group.

Like minded people with nothing but kindness and a listening ear. Ok, it’s all written on social media but you know what I mean. I am loving being able to reply to people and give the some hope.

There are some people who really struggle to say anything nice about themselves and it shows me how far I have come.

If you asked me some of these questions in 2018, I would have had nothing good to say about myself either.

As hard as it was, I’m still so grateful that I fell apart, that I had my breakdown, because it’s given me the chance to become this version of myself.

I grew up wanting to please everyone but myself and that tied me in knots. All of the plates I was juggling, came crashing down to the ground and there were so many pieces, it took me years to pick the bits up that mattered.

Even now, when I feel low, I feel like an empty shell at times.

I struggle to connect with my inner child… I’m scared to look too closely at her. I wish she wasn’t so serious and grown up.

When I look back at school, I struggled to fit in anywhere yet I don’t think you would have known that at the time. A lot of my memories are of friendship falling outs or bullying.

I seem to find it hard to remember the nice parts. I think that’s maybe because I was working so hard trying to fit in.

I took that on to my career.

The “knight on a white charger” I was jokingly called as was brought in to my big job. I lapped it up, I’d help anyone, do anything, join any meeting I could. I championed new processes.

Slowly but surely over time I just started to break. I was surrounded by the worst kind of negativity…. Defensiveness.

Nothing was ever good enough, nothing ever changed, every day was a battle and my sunny disposition lost its shine. Replaced by fear, anger, shame, guilt, terror at times.

Hmmm where has all this come from today? It’s pouring out of me 😆

Back when I was off sick with anxiety and depression, people came out of the woodwork to share lovely things with me. I thought about listing them all here but I’d miss someone and that would be the worst thing ever.

There are friends and family, people I have never met but “know” through FB, people who have sadly, long since passed on. They all shared their light with me, or listened when I panicked. They really helped me to change my outlook on life.

It’s lovely to be able to do that for others now.

So in other news, central Scotland is braced for a storm tomorrow and everything is closing down.

You wouldn’t know it if you went outside just now. It’s calm and the skies are clear.

The schools are closed and many businesses are closing. I’m very pleased that Craig’s able to stay home too.

We have literally just had a huge siren sound play on our phones and watches and got this.

Never had that before.

It’s quite exciting but obviously scary at the same time.

We are prone to rotten weather in Scotland but we haven’t closed down for strong winds for as long as I can remember.

Now this next picture is not my favourite crochet blanket. This was a job that was work in progress that I was going to throw out in the big new year clear out. One of our lovely crochet girls tied in all the ends, pulled it together and did the border for me. I crocheted these squares in 2020 lockdown.

It is not the prettiest but it will do someone a turn. If you know someone that could use it let me know, if not it will go to the charity shop.

So I always end my blog with “stay safe everyone”, today I mean it more than ever.

Everyone in the path of this storm please take care. Here’s hoping it passes and turns out to be nothing other than a lot of hype.

Stay safe everyone 🚨🚨🚨