I had an 8 and half hour sleep…. Gotta love the progesterone induced coma!
I hadn’t seen the forecast for today so headed out with the dogs at 7am and got totally soaked, it’s torrential rain and strong winds. It was also pitch black. Thanks goodness for the headtorch.
I feel like I’m living in a bubble just now, it’s Christmas on Wednesday and I haven’t written all my cards, haven’t wrapped a thing and am no entirely certain I’ve even bought it all 😆
Today is the 20th December and when we were kids that was a super festive time. It doesn’t feel like that at all for me this year.
I realise I sound very flat… I’m honestly not, just tired. I had a very busy day.
The little gift shop is in full festive flow!!
It’s the last Friday before Christmas and I just can’t quite believe it.
This feels like a good time to share my Christmas from December 2019…. Those of you who’ve been with me from the start can skip this section!
By Christmas 2019, I had been off sick for a total of 9 months since September 2018.
My last stint back in the office was over at the end of May.
I found myself in a very strange, stay at home world where I dressed in joggies and sweatshirts and never really went out anywhere. Little did we realise that the rest of the world would join me in March 2020!
Suffering from anxiety and depression in the festive season was just the worst thing ever. I’d been very low since the summer and Christmas is a difficult time when you assume everyone else is incredibly happy. Of course they are not ALL happy but you don’t know that at the time.
I lived life in the corporate fast lane, working all the hours god sent and partying as hard as I could to make up for it all.
I’d stopped drinking for Dry January 2019 and the year had been hard. It’s not easy to stop drinking in a world that’s just surrounded by alcohol.
I owed it to myself to stop drinking to try and help my head… but Christmas loomed on the horizon and I was terrified.
The pressure to enjoy yourself at Christmas and New Year is immense.
Everyone has nights out, parties, gets dressed up, wears sparkles, enjoys Christmas shopping… or so you assume from Gran’s Chair in the sunroom, where you have spent your last 5 months.
I was dreading it to the point of thinking I couldn’t possibly go through it.
I couldn’t face it at all.
I felt like a burden to everyone.
I’d piled on the weight… about 4 stone.
I had less than zero self confidence.
I hated myself.
I felt like everyone would be better off without me dragging them down.
Your head can be dreadful when you suffer from depression.
Your own worst enemy.
I felt so bad I booked a doctors appointment for the 7th December and Dr McLaughlin helped changed my life.
Ooooh tears building there…..
She listened to me. Really listened.
She was so concerned about me that she knew I couldn’t go on as I was.
She changed my anti-depressants from Fluoxetine to Setraline. She told me I may feel worse in the short term instead of better.
She gave me the first appointment after Christmas… the 27th December at 9am.
She wanted to see me as soon as it was all over to make sure that I was ok… and craftily to give me a focus to ensure I was ok for the appointment.
The NHS mental health support was pretty non existent back then but finally someone spoke to me like she really cared. She could see I was distraught.
And I made it through.
Of course I did.
Because I talked to her.
And anyone who would listen.
I wouldn’t say I had a particularly enjoyable Christmas but I survived it and was still there to see another day.
It’s soooooooo important to talk when you feel sad.
To anyone who will listen.
When someone knows how you are feeling and asks how you are today…. Your head tells you to lie… you can’t possibly tell them how bad it is… again.
But yes… you… can.
I called the Samaritans that Christmas because I didn’t want to bother anyone.
There is always someone who will listen.
The reason I write this blog is to make everyone aware that you can look like you have it all, but be broken on the inside.
You never know how people are really feeling.
So…. That got a bit dark for the Friday before Christmas, but I do think it’s important to remember that people find this time of year difficult for so many reasons.
I’m so grateful that I’m not in that place anymore. Not even remotely.
Comfy jammies are on and Craig and I are chilling in front of the tv.
Hope you have a great Friday night.
Stay safe everyone 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
The Rambling Sloth 🦥 