Day 1659 the day before my travels should be fun but you know me, why have fun when you can STRESS?!?

I woke at 5am with a THUMPING headache. I’d been dreaming really heavily and I couldn’t shake out of it. My whole body was tense and in pain…. It was my first night on progesterone, which probably kept me asleep for that long.i drank lots of water and then finally had to take paracetamol at 6.30 and that shifted it.

It’s amazing what our bodies do when we worry and stress.

I am trying very hard to be upbeat about my 1.45am start tomorrow morning.

I chose to do this.

I choose to do this.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

The fear is all in my head.

A series of what if scenarios.

If I told you I waterproof sprayed my trainers this morning, as it looks like rain in Verona on Sunday…. I feel like that gives you the measure of my deep dive into concerns.

7am… spraying trainers. Whatever next.

There was a lovely glow to the sky again this morning. It “almost” makes driving to work in the dark, worthwhile.

I had some lovely cuddles with my pupper team last night before we all had an early night.

This is when I came home from crochet.

Bless them.

Joooooolly’s Wooooooolly giveaway went well last night. I got rid of lots of wool and lots of books.

I cannot tell you how good I feel to clear things out. I get so overwhelmed by having too much lying around, by moving things from one place to the next, knowing I will never use it, but holding on to it in case I do.

So….. my day…. Fine in the morning, fine at lunch. Gut wrenching cramps at 2pm ish and I’ve been an anxious wreck ever since. Had to go to the chemist to buy some cramp meds as I’d run out.

This is a ridiculous state to get into.

Travelling is everything I want to do but I am terrified.

I cannot seem to live without some bloody drama or another.

I know how to stop anxiety on paper.

When I’m right in the thick of it as I am now…. There’s no stopping it.

Do I bask in it? Do I revel in it? Maybe…. No…. But I fight it every step of the way. I need to let it be what it is and calmly observe it.

My fight or flight is off the scale, the tears are burning in my eyes and I just feel SO sorry for myself. Why can’t I allow things to be fun, what am I so scared of?

I’m so angry with myself for feeling like this.

But in writing, I realise that I’m scared of my anxiety… I’m scared it lets me down, causes me to flap, to panic, not to think straight. There are the tears….. I’m letting it win.

It can’t win. I can do this. Months ago when I booked it I was desperate to do this.

The lovely Melanie, who I’m meeting in Milan, left me a voice note today…. She told me I’m only going to Italy, not Yemen and if I don’t have the right things I can buy them. That makes me laugh…. Then I wonder if I could buy them in Yemen too?!

I’m smiling through the tears so that a start.

I hate that I’m such a scaredy cat doing the one thing I really want to do…. Travel and see the world.

Now I’m gonna head off for a shower and calm the hell down and get a very early night.

Alarm set for 1.45am.

Poor Craig is going to get up with me…. But that will be really nice for me. We’ve barely seen each other all week and he’s working tonight.

I’m sorry to moan again. It’s helped to write it.

Now to lookup if there are any overnight road closures to be aware of.

The anxious girl can never be too careful.

🫣😆

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️