Day 1657 all over the place this morning

I have literally built myself up into an almost panic attack this morning.

I say almost because it’s not a panic attack… but my head is frantically trying to send me into terror.

I’m sitting outside the doctors, waiting for blood tests for my vertigo. I’ve been dizzy all morning and I’m close to tears. I think I may cry in the docs (I didn’t).

I worked from home this morning, started at 7am so I can take an hour out to go to the docs and head back to work. I feel incredibly uncomfortable working from home. I feel some strange need to prove my worth. Sending ridiculous emails that prove I’m “here!”.

I feel anxious. Squirrely (which is definitely not a word) . I’m so overwhelmed and it’s all in my own head. I’m not particularly worried about the blood tests but the fact that my week is taken over by my trip at the weekend.

She, who is so desperate for change and bored by reality, is catapulted into panic the minute there’s something big on the horizon.

It gives me so much more to think about (it doesn’t really) it gives me so many more things to do (it doesn’t really) it adds some turbulence to my otherwise controlled life…. That it does!

If you followed my Fb page and saw everything that I do, you would think I live the life of Riley (what does that saying even mean?!?).

I don’t know why, but it is so important for me to share my reality with you. So many of the wonderful things that I do come at a cost. I find them difficult. They make me anxious, they make me sweat the small stuff…. And yet I feel the fear and do it anyway.

Gayle and I always laugh that I dread everything and then enjoy pretty much everything I do.

Today I have fought the fear all the way.

The nurse told me my veins were “mince”…. A Scottish phrase for not great, and she took a while to be able to get a vein good enough. (It took her a lot longer when I went in January for bloods mind you).

She asked me how much I drank…

Eh hullo………. All I drink is water!!! When you’re a drinker and they ask the dreaded question, you always say less than you actually have because you think it sounds bad… when you don’t drink, it’s glossed over as a meh…. When you want a fanfare for being the healthiest you can be. No fanfare. Just mince veins. 😆

Anyway, she was really lovely, made me laugh and I didn’t even have a wobble when I was with her. Blood results will be available on 1st November when I’m booked in for my vertigo procedure.

So back to today… once I got settled in work I was fine and seemed to find an even keel.

I went to the shops after work and by the time I got home I was adamant I was finalising everything for my trip to Milan on Friday.

So it’s 20.20 and my bag is packed. It’s the tiniest Ryanair authorised rucksack so I’m not taking much.

I am leaving the house at 2.15am on Friday morning and driving straight to Edinburgh Airport.

It takes me one hour and 15 so I will be at the airport car park for 3.30am.

I will park and get the bus and be in the airport for 4am when check in opens.

I will check in and my flight will be on time at 6am. 🤞🏼

I will sleep on the plane. 😆🤞🏼

I bought new trainers to wear but they arrived today and don’t fit so back to the trusty old ones it is.

Decisions made.

Head calm. (I laughed reading this back as there are still thoughts flying around but it’s way calmer than it was).

Hope to sleep like a log again tonight.

The only plus point to all the overthinking is the exhaustion it causes.

Doesn’t our CHRISTMAS cactus look lovely. it blooms all out of kilter 😆

And finally… check us out 7 years ago today and my cousins wedding… we scrubbed up well back in the day!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️