As I suspected, after all the stress and anxiety about last night, I had the loveliest of nights with a lovely group of ladies.

We meet up whenever our friend Maureen is home from the States.

Maureen, Linda and I went to Uni together and the other Linda and Sarah know her outwith Uni. I think this is the third time I’ve met up with them all over the years.

We graduated in 1995 and I dedicated my life to a man who didn’t deserve me and I kind of lost touch with them for a while. (Incidentally yesterday would have been my 28th wedding anniversary if we had still been married). I love how much they didn’t like him and it all comes out now. 😆 Anyway, the 5 of us slot back in to comfortable chat immediately and it’s great to catch up on each others’ lives. We’re all at that age where we are questioning everything.

It’s also sobering to think that we lived with each other when we were 21 🫣😆

I don’t seem to have many memories of my time at Uni. Maybe that’s purely because it was so long ago. That or the fact I was too focused on my relationship rather than my friends. I only have flashes of certain times but don’t remember any of the details.

Anyway, back to last night… after another we digression. Last weekend I spoke to Mum and Glynis about my new fear of driving. Glynis recommended getting out there and the more you drive the more confident you will become. After a day of indecision, I finally decided to drive and I’m so proud that I did.

I arrived after a faultless drive into Glasgow city centre. I drove straight into car park and parked in the first space I saw. I will admit I had the shakes but I did it.

Now…. To pay for the parking….. you have to scan a QR code… download the NCP app and start filling in the detail. 15 minutes later I find that parking is

£7.95 for 2 hours

£12.95 for 10 hours

With nothing in between…. 🫣

No wonder the car park has spaces.

By this time I’m just paying it. I guess that’s how many of the car parks get their money these days?!?

To be fair it is bang in the centre of the Merchant City in Glasgow so I really shouldn’t complain!

We met at Table Twenty-Eight in the Merchant Square. Town was busy. There were a whole lotta people… 😆 she who solo travels felt very “out there” walking alone through Glasgow last night. I felt like there were flashing lights highlighting my lack of experience in the city culture. 😆

I actually dressed up and put on the jump suit I wore to my 50th birthday. This is not the best photo but Craig took this before I left.

The food was amazing. They had a good vegetarian/vegan range too.

I had Truffle Parmesan Polenta with smoked aubergines, vegan ‘nduja, crispy garlic and chilli oil. It was so good. Polenta is very like semolina but it really worked.

Linda and I also shared her skinny fries and some Honey, Garlic and Soy cauliflower bites. They were exquisite!!

Dessert was sticky toffee pudding with whiskey and pistachio ice-cream. My mouth is watering again at the thought.

None of the photos are great 😆 I also felt uncomfortable being that person that took photos of food 😆

It’s been a very long time since I saw midnight…. I arrived home just before 12.

I knew I would have a lovely time and for once I didn’t cancel at the last minute over the anxiety of it all. I’m so glad as I had a lovely time and I’m so proud of myself for going.

I know how daft that might sound to folk who go out all the time but I’m just telling it how it is….

So back to today…. We’ve had high level cloud and we’ve had some mist and some sunshine. It’s cloudy now but it’s still about 16°C. I did a food shopping this morning, have done another 2 loads of washing and have got a clean bed to look forward to tonight… bliss. I’ve tidied up all the clothes mess I left yesterday and have 3 bags ready for charity. I’m sitting with my feet up but I should really put some clothes up for sale on Vinted.

Right now I’m just gonna sit here and chill…. Coz I’m tired 😆

Please throw the ball mumma!

How can I resist?!

It’s never ending 😆

And relax…..

And finally this….. this is what I need to focus on.

I’ve had a lovely weekend.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Ooooh I’ve had the nicest day so far. It’s 15.13 and I’ve had the most productive but chilled day.

I woke at 5.30am when Khaleesi barged into our room. Her door must not have been shut properly. Of course I didn’t really get back to sleep, as I never do. The alarm was set for 6.30 and I was outside ready to run with Elly at 6.45am. It was misty but really mild.

We had a nice gentle run thought I still found it quite hard. I didn’t feel right for some reason.

It was Elly’s first back from energy and she did really well. We ran back to her house then I did a little extra to get me passed 5k… yes I was THAT person this morning.

We forgot to get a photo so there’s just one of me.

It’s then I realise I’m in a normal bra and not my sports bra…. That’s what was wrong!!!

Once I got home I went straight out with the dogs, so that I didn’t lose my momentum.

Poor Calaidh caught in the act 😆

I’ve had the loveliest rest of day.

I’ve done 5 loads of washing including bedding and dog blankets. I’ve got my case out of the loft and started adding holiday clothes to it.

I got the packing cubes out and started segregating clothes ready for a final decision in a few weeks.

I brought out my winter clothes and sorted through them. I have a pile of clothes for charity, a pile to sell, I had a couple of items that sadly needed binned.

It was all very driven until I sat down.

🫣

The sun came through the clouds and I sat down to get some lunch.

I’d been planning to fast until tonight but I ate so little yesterday that I had no energy so I thought it best to eat.

I have sat in the sun for the rest of the afternoon!

I have sewed a pair of jeans that Calaidh had chewed… I’ve been very practical in my sunbathing.

The warmth of the sun is so lovely. The smell of suntan lotion gets me super excited for my holiday. We can’t remember the last time we had a week abroad together. It’s been a very long time.

So I’m off out for dinner in Glasgow tonight, check me.

You know that it’s a huge thing for me to go out at night, let alone into Glasgow and to get ready to go out…. I meeting my flatmate from University. She lives in the States now and when she gets home she tries to meet a group of friends on one of the nights. One of the other girls also shared a flat with us so I’m looking forward to seeing them both.

It’s now 16.13 and I will have to think about getting ready soon. Of course I can’t decide whether to drive or get the train. I’m not sure when I’ll make that final decision… I have a huge list of negatives for both options and need to determine the path of least resistance! 🫣😆

Right now I’m gonna sit here in the sun and pretend I don’t have to go anywhere, then surprise myself at the last minute.

Jeez I’m hard work!

Stay safe everyone ☀️☀️☀️

I was up really early this morning.

I took the dogs for a walk and it was quite breezy and misty.

The were was some amount of sniffing going on! I felt like we stopped at every blade of grass.

The Geilsland estate was really pretty this morning.

I dish some washing and cleared through my clothes as they’d got into a total mess. A very practical morning.

I was down at the little gift shop today. Gayle’s daughter had a job interview so she asked me to pop in to keep an eye on it until she got back. You know me, I love the little gift shop.

I wore my woolly trousers, a vest top, long sleeved top, black hoodie and body warmer….. it was scorching when I came out 😆

Gayle has loads of lovely new things in the shop that I haven’t seen before.

I loved the sentiment of this little bracelet.

On her journey, she has seen pain and felt the onset of fear. But this will not break her, but instead fuel her strength to persevere. She remains refined, strength unmatched with a heart so pure, she is ready for the journey, no matter how tough or obscure. Read the words and know they are true, because she is brave, and she is you.

How lovely is that?!?!?

They light up a room with petals so bright, turning their heads to soak up sunlight. They needs lots of love to flourish and grow. This sunflower will be right at home with the biggest sunshine I know.

Wow.

These bracelets are just £6.99. Such a lovely sentiment.

I had the loveliest wee time speaking to so many lovely people. Lots of great chat. I just love the atmosphere.

As I said by the time I get home, the sun was splitting the skies and it felt really warm.

I sat outside for a bit before feeding the dogs, bringing in the washing and generally tidying up.

I actually fasted over 23 hours today and found it really easy. I was tempted to go longer as I really felt I could have…. But I ate. I think a longer fast would be really good for me but I panic if I go too long!

So a really lovely day.

The Crochet Hookers have recommended I watch BBC’s Race Across the World.

I am hooked.

I want to do all of that without the stress of the race!!

Happy weekend to you all!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Another great sleep last night STILL on the progesterone!

Work passed pretty fast and I was really looking forward to seeing Lea tonight.

We met at Silverburn Shopping Centre as we do these days…. I reckon that we have been meeting in a Starbucks for 21 years!!!

This time we did a wee bit of shopping first while Lea introduced me to straight leg and wide leg jeans.

Now I’ve always been team skinny jean except for a period in the late 90’s when I wore flares… ish… bootcut they were called.

So I tried some on!

I think I kind of like them. This is in River Island.

I loved this wee cropped T-shirt but it was £26. I am really tight when it comes to stuff like that. The jeans were £42…. I think I would pay that but I haven’t bought them yet.

And back in “model’s own skinnys”

I thought I looked much better in my skinnies but absolutely not now I see the photos!! Hmm will think about these River Island ones… think they were called relaxed straight.

So up to Starbucks and had a lovely coconut milk latte and Lea shouted DECAF at me!

It really was so good to have a catch up and talk till the cows come home.

I did get a lovely pair of dark khaki cargo trousers from M&S… baggy enough that I will start my exploration away from skinnies. 😆

I love how long our friendship has lasted over the years. She’s been there through everything, never judges, always supports and is a great listener. I sometimes let her talk too. 😆 #jokes

Heading home now.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

Once again I hit a wee milestone that I like to celebrate. 1600 days eh?! Doesn’t time fly!

So I like to do a wee recap of my stats on a milestone day…..

2.071 days without alcohol.

This is by far my biggest achievement to date. I self medicated my anxiety and stress for years…. I assumed everyone noticed at the time but it seems that no-one really did. I explained yesterday how it was the one thing that got me through the stress of my last job.

I was incredibly unhappy. Wine was the one thing that took all of that away…. For the few hours that it lasted. It’s a dreadful drug. It made me more and more depressed when I actually thought it was making me happy.

Giving it up was very hard. It took incredible will power. In a world where alcohol is the norm, it’s hard to stand back from the crowd and say I don’t want that anymore. It’s the only drug that people actually encourage you to take. I stuck to my guns and as hard as it was, I could see that my life was much better without the drama of it all… without the alcohol induced highs and lows.

Some would see it as very boring. The drinking me would have laughed at the sober me… I would have felt threatened. Sometimes it feels to me like it is very boring but it’s way better for me than the drama it caused in my life.

I’m scared to drink now in case I went right back to it so I’ll just keep counting those teacups! (that’s what we do on the Try dry app☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️)

1,471 days without anti depressants.

That is huge. I was on antidepressants for most of my adult life. Through my divorce in 2002, through various job losses to factory relocations in the Far East or Eastern Europe…. I’ve never coped that well. I am quick to flare up to stress and the anti depressants kept me on an even keel…. Until they didn’t.

Suicidal thoughts in Dec of 2019 were quickly caught by my GP at the time and my meds changed from Fluoxetine to…. Wow I can’t even remember the name! They knocked me for six but got my head back on the straight and narrow…. Setraline… that’s it. I’m not taking any meds anymore and I’m so very proud of that too. Who’s to say the amount of alcohol didn’t cause the need for the antidepressants. I will never really know.

667 days on HRT

I’m not sure if I see any benefit to HRT really other than the epic sleep I get from progesterone!! Who knows what I would be like without it?! Maybe neither up nor down but I read up on all the benefits and I believe it’s the right thing for me just now. Others may disagree but we all have different journeys to take.

613 days fasting 

Wow… what started as a “I’m putting on weight I have to try something different” has turned into a daily thing for me. I LOVE FASTING! I fast every day. Sometimes for as much as 19 hours and I have never felt bloated since I started. Some days I only manage 12 but I’m not putting my life on hold for it. The days I can do a big one, I will.

My life has changed so much since my big job with the long hours and the high pay that felt like blood money.

I am so much happier. I know I have my bad days but this is streets ahead of where I have been.

Endless days sat in Gran’s chair will no energy of thought to even clean my teeth. It’s been so hard but it’s been equally so rewarding.

I’ve done all of this by myself and stuck to it. I don’t give myself enough credit for that.

My latest “fads” which seem to have become lifestyle choices are running and being veggie/vegan.

I really wanted to start running in 2024 and have run my first two 10kms this year already. I am so lucky to have such a great village running support. The girls have made it so easy for me. Their encouragement and support has been second to none.

Lynsey and I managed a 5.4k this morning before work. I ran a PB for 1k, a half mile and a mile!!

My glasses are actually steamed up… the sweat was dripping from my head before I jumped in my cold shower!

The veggie/vegan thing is still a surprise to me… as if the rest of what I do is not!!! My body just doesn’t want meat just now. I don’t know why…

As I munch on my feta pasta bake… I will just keep going with this for as long as I need to.

So yeah, I have to manage my mental health on the daily.

I am an empath and I have to be careful who or what I give my energy to. My head is very quick to tell me when something is wrong and I’m very in tune with that.

I cannot allow myself to very go back to the person I had become over 6 years ago.

Writing this daily blog keeps a lot of it in check for me. So while it works I will keep on with it.

Travelling keeps a lot of that in check for me too. So I need way more of that too!!

Thanks to everyone who comments, likes, messages and supports my rambles. It means so much to me. If I can help one person by writing some of this (other than myself) then it will always be worth it.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

It’s the anniversary of my “going off sick”… 6 years ago today I finally gave into the incessant tears and had to walk out of the office just before lunchtime.

I could not stop crying.

That thought actually brought some tears there just now.

I managed a team of 7 people and I could not stop crying. Not the best management trait.

I’d been trying to hold it together for years.

I’d been falling apart for years.

Gone were the suits and the high heels at work replaced by flat boots and comfy clothes.

All my confidence out the window.

I think I was really good at my job.

I put my life into it. I gave it my all. That worked really well for me for about the first 5 years or so. I was handed a promotion to senior management.

I was a huge people pleaser. I think that made me really good at my job but it was to the detriment of my “self”.

I put EVERYTHING before me.

I began to self medicate with wine. It was the one thing that gave me some relief. It took away some of the stress but it was a vicious circle as it also takes away all of your peace. The morning after meant I struggled through the day with a hangover and brain fog that made clear thinking impossible.

I’m working desperately hard to manage a team across 3 geographical locations while trying to please the team (impossible) and senior management (impossible). I had a great team. The management were very political and the team could see right through that. I was caught in the middle and I hated the position I was in.

I was juggling so many different plates that they started to fall and I couldn’t catch them all. I was all over the place and I fell into a really dark hole. Desperate for validation. Finding none.

As I disappeared into my head I became very paranoid. Saw people talking about me, criticising me, overtaking me in confidence big time and I grew so jealous that I couldn’t be that person anymore.

I was terrified of work in the end. Literally terrified of having to be that person.

I drove home 6 years ago, blinded by the tears. It’s not an easy drive at the best of times and I still don’t know how I managed it. I was going against every principle I’d ever lived by. Anyone who went off sick in this way never returned. I knew it was the beginning of the end of my career. I literally couldn’t function anymore.

I was diagnosed with anxiety which quickly moved became depression.

It never occurred to me that I could go and look for a new job. It was a toxic environment but I put all the blame on to me. I wasn’t strong like everyone else, I couldn’t cope. I was a failure.

I wore my big job like a badge. I let it define me and yet I don’t think it was ever “me”. It was who I was conditioned to be. I was encouraged to go to Uni, get the degree, get the big job…. Maximise my earning potential by mid 50’s. Hey I peaked at 46 😆

It was one of the darkest days of my life and yet as I look back, I am so grateful to the me who actually did walk out. It was the beginning of the rest of my life.

I have finally found some peace.

I still have ups and downs but nothing like it was.

Life is for living.

I’m very reflective today, understandably so.

I’m feeling sad as I heard about someone who has died. A complete shock. Completely out of the blue.

Another reminder that life is short and we need to make the most of every single day.

We only get one shot at this.

Just spotted Khaleesi at the top of the stairs. She makes me smile 😊

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

What a difference two days make…. From a beautiful clear blue sky on Saturday to dark, heavy rain skies today.

It has not stopped raining today. I’ve got the lamps on in the living room and it’s all autumnal and cosy.

I totally missed the whole slip into September yesterday.

How can it be September already?!?

I had a fantastic sleep last night…. Just the best. Must have been shattered after the day of travelling.

Work was fine today and went pretty quickly.

Can you tell I’m literally clutching at straws for something to write about today!? 🫣

That’s not a bad thing, it means there’s no drama!

How good is this?

That’s actually so true and if only I could remember that when I feel stressed. And also this…..

And finally….. 😆

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️

After a great sleep mum and I headed back down to the canal.

Because of all the peat in the water up here, the canal looks so black and it looked like a floor you could walk on.

Glynis picked us up before 8.30am and took us for a wee tour of Inverness. We headed to Simpson Garden Centre for breakfast.

We were first there!

Check this guy!

I had a vegan bagel with coconut milk latte and forgot to take photos 😆

This is the view from the car park.

We had a quick wander round Inverness before the bus left at 11.35am.

The minute we sat on the bus, the clouds came over.

We are right up the front of a Megabus.

We’re wearing our seatbelts 😆

So we had the loveliest afternoon and evening yesterday after our Jacobite cruise. We sat in the sunshine beside the Caledonian canal for a while as we ate our ice creams. The warmth of the sun was so lovely.

We watched this lovely Border Collie as its owner fed the ducks and it was desperate to get over the fence.

The highland cows were still out when we went back to the car and I caught the black one this time.

These two seem really close… they were twinning!

Just rude 😆

So from there, Glynis drove us over to Nairn where we had a walk along the beach.

Look at those colours… the blue sky was just incredible. It’s been so long since we’ve had such a clear day with no wind.

We went to the Sundancer restaurant, in Nairn, for dinner.

This was the view from our table.

I had the spicy bean burger for dinner and Crème Brûlée for desert.

The crème brûlée was massive. It was so lovely. Mum had a sea bream dish that tasted lovely too…. Even just from the olive and veg I tried. Glynis had amazing looking fish and chips.

And this was the view from out on the balcony after dinner.

We had another walk this time along the harbour wall and caught the most stunning sunset.

This one with a plane flying overhead and a bird flying through it.

And it’s gone. The perfect ending to a truly perfect day.

The captain on the Jacobite cruise yesterday say that yesterday was officially the last day of summer…. But given the clear blue sky and sunshine, he also said it was technically their first day of summer too.

What a lovely way to spend the first and last day of summer. With the lovely Glynis and my mum, out exploring and having coffee and cake and lovely meals.

We have been throughly spoiled all weekend. Thanks to Glynis again for everything she organised. We’ve had the most amazing time.

Not a shred of anxiety on my part. I’m in my element, calm and excited in equal measure.

So back to today. Mum is still on the bus I started on. This is her current view….

This is my view.

It’s 3.30pm and it’s almost dark outside…. We are not allowed to have two scorchers in a row up here in Scotland it would seem. 😆

I’m about 20 minutes north of Glasgow and I still have to try and negotiate my way home. The trains are only every 2 hours and I miss one by minutes. Maybe taking the car would have been easier. It won’t kill me to have a walk round Glasgow mind you.

Hope you all have the best week ahead!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️