Day 1606 10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day ♥️

This is such a difficult topic but one that is very close to my heart. It would be remiss of me to skip the day and not talk about it. This is a hard read Mum 😘

I have felt bad enough that I’ve suffered from suicidal thoughts.

There was a time when I felt so retched that I honestly felt that everyone would be better off without me. The anxiety is a fast forward illness where you worry about everything, panic, overthink…. It has a speed to it. Depression is a slow illness where you actually struggle to clean your teeth on a daily basis. I could go for 4 or 5 days and realise I hadn’t showered or cleaned my teeth. The two illnesses feed off, and fight each other.

I cried so much during that time.

I dreaded anyone asking how I was as I couldn’t possibly tell them how bad I felt…. AGAIN.

I just felt so awful. I couldn’t find the words to explain it. I felt like I made everyone around me so miserable. I felt like I was ruining their lives. My head told me I was taking over the lives with my torment.

It’s a dreadful illness and it lies to you. It tells you that you are worthless.

We went away for a weekend with friends and had a lovely time. I was choking back the tears the whole weekend. I tried to hide how I really felt.

I think that’s where my love of solitude came from. I don’t have to pretend anything for anyone. I can relax and just be me.

I took some selfies here so I could remember how I felt. This was a real low point for me.

It seemed to me like everyone else was enjoying their lives, while mine had completely fallen apart. I could barely think straight and I couldn’t see a future ahead of me.

That’s the real reason for me writing this blog. On the outside I seemed to have it all and I will never stop sharing that what you see is not always what it seems.

Craig came to find me and we took one of the nicest photos. See how happy I look. I was like that for a lot of the weekend. It was all an act.

I’m so glad that I never had any intentions of going through with anything. I just felt so desperate that it seemed to be the only escape from the pain.

I haven’t felt like jumping through hoops of joy today. I had a restless night and have felt shattered and antsy all day. It was lovely sunrise though.

It’s a million miles from what it was… it’s just an off day.

I don’t want to belittle this sentiment… but this morning there was a tiny frog in our porch again. I put some card under it and flicked it out the door. It went high and fast and actually gave a tiny squeal when it landed on it back with its legs all wide apart….. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that poor froglet all day. I hope it was ok. To be fair, being left on a pavement on a main road isn’t the best place for a frog to thrive. It wasn’t there when I came back from work. 🥺

So all of this was years ago now and I’m happy to say that I’ve never felt like that since 2019.

You may understand why I take my mental health so seriously. I have to be careful and do what’s best for my head.

Never be afraid of reaching out if you feel sad. Someone is always ready to listen. If you can’t talk to friends or family then these numbers are available in the UK.

I had to call the Samaritans once when I felt I had nowhere else to turn and it really helped.

Worst of all, when you are at your lowest ebb, you have to fight HARD for you.

We are the only one in control of our happiness and we have to choose how we respond. That’s very easy for me to say from a place of mental wellness. It’s very hard to hear from a place of poor mental health.

It’s good to talk, so keep talking, with anyone who will listen.

Stay safe everyone 💛💛💛