It’s the anniversary of my “going off sick”… 6 years ago today I finally gave into the incessant tears and had to walk out of the office just before lunchtime.

I could not stop crying.

That thought actually brought some tears there just now.

I managed a team of 7 people and I could not stop crying. Not the best management trait.

I’d been trying to hold it together for years.

I’d been falling apart for years.

Gone were the suits and the high heels at work replaced by flat boots and comfy clothes.

All my confidence out the window.

I think I was really good at my job.

I put my life into it. I gave it my all. That worked really well for me for about the first 5 years or so. I was handed a promotion to senior management.

I was a huge people pleaser. I think that made me really good at my job but it was to the detriment of my “self”.

I put EVERYTHING before me.

I began to self medicate with wine. It was the one thing that gave me some relief. It took away some of the stress but it was a vicious circle as it also takes away all of your peace. The morning after meant I struggled through the day with a hangover and brain fog that made clear thinking impossible.

I’m working desperately hard to manage a team across 3 geographical locations while trying to please the team (impossible) and senior management (impossible). I had a great team. The management were very political and the team could see right through that. I was caught in the middle and I hated the position I was in.

I was juggling so many different plates that they started to fall and I couldn’t catch them all. I was all over the place and I fell into a really dark hole. Desperate for validation. Finding none.

As I disappeared into my head I became very paranoid. Saw people talking about me, criticising me, overtaking me in confidence big time and I grew so jealous that I couldn’t be that person anymore.

I was terrified of work in the end. Literally terrified of having to be that person.

I drove home 6 years ago, blinded by the tears. It’s not an easy drive at the best of times and I still don’t know how I managed it. I was going against every principle I’d ever lived by. Anyone who went off sick in this way never returned. I knew it was the beginning of the end of my career. I literally couldn’t function anymore.

I was diagnosed with anxiety which quickly moved became depression.

It never occurred to me that I could go and look for a new job. It was a toxic environment but I put all the blame on to me. I wasn’t strong like everyone else, I couldn’t cope. I was a failure.

I wore my big job like a badge. I let it define me and yet I don’t think it was ever “me”. It was who I was conditioned to be. I was encouraged to go to Uni, get the degree, get the big job…. Maximise my earning potential by mid 50’s. Hey I peaked at 46 😆

It was one of the darkest days of my life and yet as I look back, I am so grateful to the me who actually did walk out. It was the beginning of the rest of my life.

I have finally found some peace.

I still have ups and downs but nothing like it was.

Life is for living.

I’m very reflective today, understandably so.

I’m feeling sad as I heard about someone who has died. A complete shock. Completely out of the blue.

Another reminder that life is short and we need to make the most of every single day.

We only get one shot at this.

Just spotted Khaleesi at the top of the stairs. She makes me smile 😊

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️