Day 1594 an anxious day

I wonder how many people read that title, roll their eyes and think, not again?!?

I do just writing it.

I have been full of anxiety all day today.

I had the best sleep… the first progesterone-fuelled sleep of the month. I can highly recommend that stuff….

I woke at 5.50am and got up early. I think I felt ok then but the anxiety had just bubbled and churned away all day.

My fight or flight has been on very high alert… I’m looking for things to go wrong so I can throw my hands up in the air and confirm how rubbish I actually am.

I’ve been very unkind to myself all day.

I heard the words today that I get something wrong every time. Its was said with a smile…. It’s not every time but it has been a lot.

I wonder how long I can dine out on that one?!?

Even things said in jest will be catalogued in my anxious brain to be used against me at a later date…. By myself obviously… no one else.

Hmmmmm….

I can see it all happening from the outside in and yet can’t stop the physical pain it creates. I’ve had a tightness in my chest all day….. that said I did go down a bra size at the weekend so maybe I bought a smaller one too soon and it’s restricting my breathing 🫣😆

I feel like I drank about 5 coffees.

Actually when Helen was here we talked about the amount of caffeine in chocolate… who knew?!? I’m 51 and I had no idea. I have eaten my fair share of that this week.

I’ve come outside to sit in the garden for a bit.

It’s not that warm, I have a hoodie on but the fresh air is doing me good. I’m sitting beside a wonky pine tree, on this wee stool.

I strive for perfection but I make mistakes. I find these mistakes hard to swallow.

I strive for perfection when I can see a future problem coming my way. If I have to rely on others to prevent this thing from happening… I know it will be my problem next week and I want to sort it now. That’s not always possible.

I talk about the importance of living in the present moment and yet I feel real fear for things that may happen in the future. I get catapulted into a previous work life, where the blame culture was a game. I lost a lot of my self confidence back then. I used to think I was invincible… not so now.

I make life so hard for myself.

So it’s helped me to write through this as it always does. The tightness is still there but I have loosened the bra 🫣😆

Mum and I are off to Inverness tomorrow morning so I’m looking forward to a wee change this weekend. My bag is as ready as it can be…. I’m only taking my go to travel gear anyway.

A change is as good a rest my Gran used to say.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️