I say monsoon…. I exaggerate. The weather was horrific this morning. It was so dark and the rain was hammering down. We had forecasted up to 41 mile and hour winds.

I had been getting up early to walk the dogs but I rolled over in bed. It was far too dark and miserable.

It rained for hours this morning, hammering on the portacabin tin roof.

Then at one point mid afternoon, I stepped outside and saw this!!!! And it’s mild…. So lovely after the incessant rain.

It’s 7pm now and I’m sitting out in the back garden after a lovely dog walk. I’m making the most of the outdoors when we can.

I could so easily have sat down and not walked the dogs but I wanted to get moving and get a change of scenery.

I thought the clouds might be coming over but they’ve not yet.

The weather is always a huge topic of conversation in Scotland. 😆 everyone is talking about how rubbish it’s been this summer. I am definitely a blue sky kind of girl… as we head into winter….🫣

So today’s been a good day but I have definitely had some underlying anxiety bubbling away. It makes me feel uneasy… on edge… a bit antsy.

I’ve been using the Cleanup app to clear though old photos on my phone…. (Of which there were a total of 66,0000!!!)

I see myself in years gone by…. And I grieve for those past years. I wish I’d realised then what I know now.

I grieve for the lost years when I had to sit in Gran’s chair and recover from the darkest recesses of my mind.

I fret for my present moment. Is it enough? Is this what I want?

I think about the path for the future….

I am exhausted by the churn.

I feel quiet. I’ve spoken quietly today, oddly consumed by constant reflection and questioning.

Am I enough, am I doing enough….

What could I do, what could I be when I always seem too tired at the thought of changing anything.

I was driven by inspired action in June.

By July I was so exhausted I stayed home all month and weeded the garden.

I am tired by the overthinking of it all.

I can’t seem to shake this feeling of life just passing me by… so I need to take pleasure from the small things. The snatched conversations with Craig as I come home and he leaves for work, the walks with the dogs and the time spent outdoors breathing it all in.

Long may this bright yellow ball in the blue sky continue.

Stay safe everyone 🌧️💨☀️