I’m sorry…. if you need cheering up today….. then don’t read on.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m off on holiday and I am bored.

Most of the year I would kill for a day off but I’m squirming.

My teeth are grinding.

I just don’t know where to put myself.

What is wrong now?

If I was abroad, there’s a chance I’d be lying on a lounger for some of the time reading a book. Yet here I don’t seem to allow myself to do that.

Until today.

I came through to watch a film, when it started raining, and I fell asleep.

You could come up with a million things for me to do and I don’t want to do any of it.

There is literally a spoiled child having a massive tantrum inside my head.

She is RAGING.

Raging that she’s bored.

Raging that she doesn’t want to do anything.

Raging that there are a million things that need done.

Raging that she doesn’t want to do anything.

Raging that this is the time to do them.

Raging that she doesn’t want to do anything.

I don’t drink so I have to sit with all this and wait for it to pass. I can’t drown it to stop feeling it.

Why didn’t I make any plans for the holiday?

Why am I not savouring every moment of downtime?

Why am I climbing the walls?

Why is downtime so hard for me?

Where is the bloody sunshine?!? Now that I know I can’t change and yet I’m still mad at it.

The only time I relaxed was when I was asleep.

Poor Craig has had to work today, which we always knew. I should be even more grateful for the time off.

At the start of July, I was so focussed on positivity and taking inspired action to make some changes in my life. By the middle of July I was shattered and I slept for a whole weekend. Then I turned my hand to incessant weeding. Since then I’ve been unmotivated and lost.

I’m want to change but too tired to do anything about it… then I get angry with myself for the lack of motivation.

The whole turning 50 thing still has me terrified… life is just passing me by and I’m just existing.

How ungrateful and awful does that sound? So many people don’t even make 50.

And also how hard on myself?

I’m now running a decent distance at least twice a week. I still fast daily. I’ve gradually lost most of the weight I put on through my depression. I’m still randomly almost veggie which makes me feel better.

I have a feeling that I have way too much time on my hands to think about everything that’s going round in my head and as a result my head spins round and round, over and over.

So…. I am gonna cringe like hell when I put this out. I’m even considering not posting it but I always said I would share the bad with the good.

I’ll have to hide from the world so don’t make eye contact when you next meet me in the street … 🫣🙄 I’m attempting a laugh here.

I’m not arranging to meet people. I feel like I’ll bring them down too. Poor Craig can’t get away from it.

So…. What am I going to do about it?

I’ve already walked the dogs and mediated. I’m going to try a mental win tonight while Craig’s out at work.

I know I need to be kinder to myself but I feel like I am living in internal chaos and confusion just now rather than peace and harmony. I’m fighting the feelings rather than sitting with them and listening. That’s what I’ll try now. What are they telling me?

So today was a bad one. This too shall pass.

I’ll read this back tomorrow and wander what all the fuss was about.

My head just loves the drama sometimes.

Mondays blog will be called… I wish I’d appreciated my holiday more… 🙄😆

Stay safe everyone 🫣🫣🫣