It’s 11.07am and I am sitting on the couch with a freshly ground coffee (decaf!) in my lovely new glass that Claire gave me for my birthday.

We had a lovely evening but didn’t get home until 2am. 😳🤦🏻‍♀️😬 That’s unheard of for me! I managed to stay awake just long enough to drive home.

So in true Julie fashion, I’ll tell you some of the anxieties behind the lovely night.

We haven’t seen Craig’s mum and step dad for far too long so it was lovely to be going up to see them at their house. It’s always so festive!

This is how big the snowman ⛄️ is!

Craig’s mum always wants to see the dogs and I have HUGE anxiety taking them anywhere. So Craig obviously wants to take the dogs and his mum wants them to come. Am I the only one that thinks that’s a crazy idea?!?!

I always see the worst in them. I grew up with the children should be seen and not heard and I guess I think that my dogs should be the same… which they are most certainly not. They are dogs. (Obviously)

I can’t imagine why anyone would want 4 dogs running around their lovely Christmassy home…. As I write that I actually have a wee tear… how awful is that that I am ashamed of them?!? There’s hair and dirty paws…. I mean it was torrential rain for two solid days…. Then there’s the noise… especially when they get very excited. Four dogs are impossible for me to control in my total control world.

Maybe it’s time to let go of some of that control and relax a wee bit (no shit Sherlock!)

The dogs were amazing. Craig was amazing with them, as usual. ♥️

There’s a pattern in my life…. I expect the worst, worry so much in advance and it’s never as bad as I think. I don’t know that I’m worrying. I just chose the path of least resistance. I feel so much better these days but it’s because I’m avoiding certain things that have the potential to make me feel bad again. Wow wore tears. Honestly I can’t recommend journaling enough…. I had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down and all this profound stuff comes tumbling out.

Look at them…. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Craig’s mum had them literally eating right out of her hand. Bless. They followed her around whenever she moved. if you look to the right of her… Princess Cookie the Chihuahua is snuggled on her blanket on the couch! This is the first time Khaleesi has spent any time in anyone’s house. She loved being at her new Gran’s house 🥰

Calaidh and Bhru always love Grans.

We were sure there was someone out there?!?!

Yes the were muddy in the garden but Craig’s mum had a big rug at the back door that caught most of the muddy paws and Doug said any mud hoovers up fine the next day, when it’s dried.

We had a lovely dinner! Silverside roast beef and ALL the trimmings and then some.

Doug & Helen.

Cookie is a little overwhelmed.

She usually follows Calaidh everywhere she goes, but not so much this time. she wasn’t too impressed with Khaleesi joining their gang. She growled at Khaleesi a few times and Leesi got the message and jumped away.. it was quite funny to see. I still managed to get some Cookie cuddles! Tickle my tummy Auntie Julie 😂😂😘

A bit blurry but Calaidh sporting my Christmas cracker hat!!

Bless her.

I then had the anxiety of a foggy drive home in Craig’s mahoosive car at 2am. I used to take stuff like that in my stride. Not so much now. I was so relieved to get home…. Incident free obviously!

So…. This.

I think today is going to be all about the cosy blanket. I’m curled up on the couch with Calaidh at my feet. Bhru and Leesi are over on the other couch and Freya is lying on the floor. I’m so, so proud of them. And me… I’m pretty proud of me for figuring it all out.

Also I should say I hit my 1,800 days alcohol free on Thursday… kept forgetting to write about it.

For anyone who knows me, you will understand the true enormity of this. I loved a good drink… my life revolved around it. I need it to make me tick, I’d got into such a rut at work and I guess in life full stop. It was my one release. A chance to forget how dreadfully unhappy I was trying to please everyone except myself. As time went on it stopped numbing the pain and only added to the pain. The shame, regret, hangovers, blackouts.

Drinking is not for me.

It means I get to sit with the awkward, raw and uncomfortable emotions that I feel at times….. 😳😬

But most of all I get to be free.

Stay safe everyone 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼