Oh wow, what a day. What a turmoil I have put myself through today.

I did not want to wake up and face what today would bring. I lay in bed with my eyes closed for as long as I could…. 7.11am! 😆

Craig and I were driving over to Livingston to meet the new owner of the van. She already paid up front so I knew it should be really easy but oh my actual word…. The anxiety…… bordering on panic attack. Tightness in my chest, breathlessness.

We weren’t meeting until 1.30pm so I had so much time to put myself through all that. I must have been a joy to be around. 😬 there were a few tears.

At times my head just won’t allow something to be easy, straightforward or calm.

It searches for the worst case scenario in every single eventuality. It’s the worst voice. The worst negativity. but my head revels in it. It can’t just allow me to believe everything will be ok.

I listened to relaxing music in the shower, it made me laugh at the cheesiness of it, but it really did help.

What’s the worse that could have happened?!?

I imagined it all. Over and over. Dramatising everything.

The reality was very easy and straightforward, as I KNEW it would be. I just couldn’t FEEL that it would be.

I was so nervous driving over. I drove really slowly and carefully. I’d taken out 4 hours of insurance to be able to do that. I had to talk to myself and take big, deep breaths. I hear myself, it’s pathetic.

My phone switched on to a Dr Rongan Chatterjee podcast.. called the “top 5 regrets of the dying”…. Not the best subject, given my mood, but a very interesting podcast. I thought we would all benefit from the sentiment.

“I wish I’d lived a life true to myself, not a life that others expected of me”.

Wow.

I can honestly say I’m much closer to doing that now, than I have ever been. My whole life up until now has been based on what was expected of me. I didn’t know there was any other way.

I do now. I do what feels right for me the majority of the time. I just struggle when I have to face things that I don’t really want to do.

Today was one of them. What happens if something went wrong with the van when I was showing them how it worked?!?

Anyway, she was really lovely and she loved Abbie.

We were with them for just over an hour showing them how everything worked. It went really well. She’s the kind of person that wouldn’t say a bad thing about anything.

There were a few tears (no shit, Sherlock!) but it’s just the end of an era. It’s 100% the right one for me but it didn’t make it any easier.

There’s a huge lesson in there, for me, today. I am still so very hard on myself. I put myself through so much stress, none of which is necessary. I do it all to myself.

Bye, bye Abbie. It was fun when the sun shone and everything was in the place where it was meant to be 😆

I should say here that this is difficult for me to write, it’s difficult for me to relive. These were really icky, vulnerable feelings.

But I say it how it is… or was…

I’m tired now but ready for the next chapter!

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️