Jeezo man….. this is the first day, in about 6 weeks or so, that I could honestly say that I feel my anxiety might be a bit out of control.
I am also vastly understating the level of control that I feel out of…. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂 now bear with me here as I am also at a loss for words today. 🤣🤣
I have butterflies the size of birds fluttering about inside of me. I feel breathless, jittery, out of control. I feel scared, nervous. The tension is creeping round my body causing everything to feel tense and my joints are sore.
All the good work I’ve done on keeping calm and building my confidence feels like it’s pouring out of me as I fill up with uncertainty and fear.
I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t quite know where to put myself or what to do with myself. Yet obviously I’ve been at work all day and pretty managed managed to do a good job despite forgetting words for everything.
I’ve felt a possible sign of stomach cramp. I’ve had a headache. I’ve felt a bit sick but that hasn’t stopped me eating.
I’ve been yawning so much I feel like I’m about to swallow my head.
I’ve not been able to find words or string sentences together. To be fair we have had a laugh about that at work.
Abbie the camper van had to go to the garage today. She’s had a back end wobble for a while now and it’s not right. I was so nervous of contacting the garage and taking it round that boss man did it all for me. I felt like a kid when he asked if I wanted him to come with me. I hid behind him when we were there!!! What the hell?!?!
I’ve just spoken to mum and literally sobbed down the phone to her…. I was meant to have kinesiology tonight and I cancelled it as I was feeling so much better. Ignoramus.
I’ve also just spoken to Craig who’s out at work and didn’t want to let on how I was feeling as he’s just about to start a 3 hour dog behavioural session with new clients. I’ve come off the phone to him and I feel much calmer.
When we feel low we want to reach for the quick fix to numb the pain. For so many of us, that’s alcohol. That’s why I had to stop drinking.
For me it’s food and getting into my comfies and curling up on the couch, feeling sorry for myself.
I am not going to do that tonight. I am going to drag my lardy, moaning ass across the road to the Village Hall for the exercise class.
I hope no one is too nice to me or I’ll cry.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️