Jeez…. It’s 6.14pm and it’s safe to say I have not outdone my first day of holiday. In fact I seem to have needed the day to recover from it.
I woke really early and couldn’t get back to sleep and I felt that really tired, grumpy way this morning.
It was really misty first thing but with a promise of sunshine. The mist cleared to a beautiful day. I had no plans but wasn’t willing to allow myself a day of nothing.
I actually lay down on the bed at one point this morning thinking I’d just go back to sleep to try to brighten my mood. I know that boredom breeds creativity and I am very bored. Instead of sleeping, I had a brainwave that I’d go upstairs and I opened the big window right out so that I felt like I was outside and look for positive things to do up there. It started well but ended badly.
I get totally overwhelmed with the stuff that we have amassed over the years. I feel like the house is full of things we’ve bought and no longer used. Things that I just move around the house and don’t actually get any pleasure from any more. I was also aware of windows that need replaced, decorating needing done, all the bad stuff jumped out and whapped me between the eyes.
The cost of living has sky rocketed. I’m earning a third of what I did before I went off sick. I can’t do everything I might have wanted to do before. We would have away on holiday for this week, instead I’m wandering around the house feeling angry and sad. The tears have started as I write this. It all feels so unfair. My head is thumping. I guess that time of the month is somewhere around the corner as this self pity and lethargy is not me anymore.
I’ve had a great few weeks. Been focussing on the positives and really felt properly happy and content in the present moment. Of course I’m beating myself up as I’m not sure where the negativity came from today.
I spoke to mum earlier and she said “oh dear, what’s not going your way?” And I realised that she’d hit the nail on the head. I feel like a huffy child who wasn’t getting her way.
I had gone upstairs to look at new ways of making money. I’m looking into trying to sell some of my photos and also looking at self publishing some of the blog into a book. I say that and my inner critic laughs at my ridiculous optimism.
I’ve spent a bit of time over the last few weeks, looking at getting photos onto some selling websites. I feel demoralised by the length of time that it takes to load them up and think how to allow them to come up on a search function. I feel the quality of my photos diminish with each passing minute. Who do I think I am? Why do I even remotely think they are good enough?
So instead of doing the thing that sparked excitement in me this morning, I start clearing out and moving stuff around the house again…. And get angrier by the minute. I’m avoiding the hard work because I’m scared whatever I do won’t be good enough.
I went next door to have a cuppa with Claire and I even sat in a physical slump when I was there. The sunshine annoyed me and that never happens to me! It usually brightens me from the lowest of moods.
So this afternoon I went to bed. I was in there from 2.30 to 5.30 and I reckon I slept for about 2 hours of that. I woke with a headache and the tears haven’t been far since.
I have to write this down as a bad day and take as many positives as I can from it. I have to learn from this pain. I can’t drown it with wine anymore, I have to sit with it and listen to what it’s telling me.
And use what I learn to move on from it.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️