I’m here a bit reluctantly tonight.
I got home at 4.30pm, nice and sharp and Craig was home and made lasagne for dinner.
It was soooo good, I may have had two servings.
We’ve watched a few episodes of the Netflix show, Criminal. We started it last night and it’s really good. It’s set in an interview room, the same team but different people being interviewed each episode. An interesting slant on a crime drama. I digress.
He’s watching the football now as Rangers play Union Saint-Gilloise in the UEFA Champions League qualifiers…
I muttered in passing that I wasn’t writing a blog tonight.
“Bad day?” He said.
I screwed my face up as I do and said “I’m sick of going on about how my anxiety makes me react to stuff so folk must be sick of reading it”…. he’s very philosophical tonight. He says “that’s why you should write about it, so other folk who feel the same, know they are not alone”.
My clenched jaw slackens.
Maybe he has a point.
I was writhing with anxiety when I came home tonight. 👇🏼
From about 2pm today I have questioned every thought, action and every word that has come out of my mouth. My flesh is crawling with it.
I’ve been antsy, when things haven’t gone exactly as I would expect them, I’ve felt like a stroppy teenager.
I honestly have the face and his strop with his arms flailing around in a manner that suggests everything is just so unfair, huff huff…..
And as usual, there is nothing wrong.
Nothing that is the end of the world as we know it.
I actually had a really good day and got loads done. ✅
I’d had a great sleep and woke with the alarm for the first time in ages ✅
I’m eating well, I’d made salad for lunch and it was really lovely and I enjoyed it. ✅
THEN WHY THE HELL AM I STILL REACTING THE WAY THAT I DO AND WHY DOES IT EAT ME UP FROM INSIDE.
I assume everyone can see my reactions. I’ve been told enough times in my life to “chill” or “relax” or “woosa”. Does that mean I’m embarrassing myself? Does that mean I’m overreacting to everything again that everyone else seems to take in their stride?
Am I a failure that I can’t have a day without overthinking?
To be fair to Craig, he knew as he got a fair bit of this thrown at home when I got in. He dared to look sideways as I talked and I assumed that was a sign of him not wanting to listen to it again.
He clicked my reaction and put me straight right away.
I assume everyone is watching me and waiting for me to fail. It’s completely ridiculous.
Someone said to me today that I live my life as if everything is going to be a total nightmare and it all actually turns out pretty well….
Hits nail on the head.
And I would really like not to.
So yeah that’s my day. I’m fine, I’m just a bit fed up with the whole self inflicted drama of it all.
I’m gonna do my two meditations before bed… visualisation for weight loss and wrap myself in the protective bubble… ready to take on what tomorrow has to throw at me.
Maybe need to look at one that makes me be kinder to myself. 🤦🏻♀️🥰♥️
If you’re rolling your eyes thinking here she goes again, you have Craig to thank. If it’s any consolation, it’s helped me to get it out.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️