The whole point of my blog was to let people see that you can appear like you have it all, but things might not always be as they appear.
I have always been a very bubbly, happy person. I was always there to help others, to make other people feel happy and feel good about themselves but unbeknown to me at the time, I was chipping away at the old block and making myself very unwell as a result.
The girl who goes into her first “real” job after Uni and makes polite small talk as she knows if she gets her boss chatting and talking about their weekend or evening the night before, then they will be less likely to be snippy during the day. Encourage conversation out of them to get them on side. Ask lots of questions. Let them slowly bring you into their confidence. They are way less likely to shout at you if you are “friends”…. I can’t even begin to explain how much work that was. It wasn’t just with bosses. It was the same story with everyone else. I was working away in the background of my mind ALL the time.
I just wanted people to like me. For them to be pleased with me. Happy with things I had done or the way I had treated them. If I could control how other people around me were feeling, then I could control their influence on me.
I mean seriously…. Read that back a minute… if I could control how other people around me were feeling?!?!? Why did I even remotely think I could do that and yet I seemed to see it as my life’s purpose.
All the while…. Literally breaking up inside as over the years it got harder and harder to do. Let’s face it, it was an impossible task!
I know that’s this is a lovely photo but inside my heart was breaking. There was nothing wrong with my marriage, nothing wrong with the lovely house I lived in or our lovely dogs….. everything was wrong inside me. I could barely hold it together. I was so very, very sad.
I’d spent so much time trying to keep the world happy that I had nothing left… an empty shell. I started to think that everyone would be better off without me whinging and whining and being sad all the time.
Anyway I am so pleased to say that I am far removed from that now. It’s taken years of baby steps to build my confidence back up, but I am one of the lucky ones. I can say that I am still learning every day and no matter how bad things seem at times, I do need some reflection to remember that nothing is as bad as it was.
I’ve had the chance to unlearn everything that I thought was important and relearn what actually is.
I just want everyone to realise that we have no idea what other people are really thinking. What you see is not always what is.
I was loud, I was chatty, I wanted to be in the centre of everything. I wanted to be seen, be heard.
Now the opposite is true. I am quiet… and I love it. Quiet is my new strong.
Claire sent me this and it makes me laugh a lot…. It’s so very true!!
I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me as a result of The Rambling Sloth. It’s very good to talk and share how we are all feeling…
We all need to learn to live in the present moment and enjoy each moment of life for what it is… even when you get your Camper van stuck in the mud… Especially then! 🤦🏻♀️🤣
Stay safe everyone 💚💚💚