These sober days just keep racking up. I say sober and cringe a wee bit as that implies I must have been a drunk. As many of you will know by reading my blog…. I just hated the drinking version of me.
I’ve now surpassed my longest streak and had a total of 552 days in a row without a drop. I honestly still can’t quite believe it.
I hated the person I had become. I hated the hangovers. The morning after. The fear.
I don’t have any of that now. Just a completely clear head to face all my s*** head on. That’s always a joy to behold as my head also generates a whole lot of s*** 🤣🤣
First things first… pretty skies at Tartan HQ this morning. I try to make my photos picturesque but I don’t have much to work on down there… 🤦🏻♀️🤣
My anxiety was really bad this morning before work. Stomach churning, nerve racking. I threw my arms up in the air at one question I was asked. Complete and utter despair being asked a simple question.
I’ve written out 3 full pages of A4 with the worries and thoughts that are floating round on my head. I only stopped there because I didn’t have any more time. I’m sure I could add to the list.
I’m sitting in a car park in Abbie the campervan waiting for Kinesiology. The one thing that seems to make sense to me just now. I hope Shelagh will figure out what my body is trying to tell me.
Well… wow. I will never be able to explain kinesiology but my body chose all the words from my list, that were causing me particular stress. We then went through each word to determine what the word meant to me.
To clear the stress of all of that we worked on a baby fear… something that’s been with me since birth. A fear of needing other people. This is huge for me. When I feel bad I feel like I need everyone else to fix it for me. I’m so caught up in feeling rotten just now that I need someone else to tell me what to do. Or at least I think I do.
My mind was fighting everything. Telling me that trying to fix it was a waste of time. Telling me I deserve to feel like this as I’m no use anyway.
It’s never a waste of time.
I go into Shelagh’s room tonight feeling so desperately sad. Tears not far away, anger at feeling that sad, frustration at the anxiety building back up again, not seeing a clear way out. I come back out with calm mind. A rational mind. This is a blip. I’ll get through it like I always do, it’s ok not to be ok 100% of the time.
I realise that the above reads like Swahili to most of us… 🤣🤣
Tonight I’ll do a meditation before bed as my “homework” and I will sleep like a log.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️