Oh wow…. Well I can write today down as another learning curve in the life of learning curves.
I am so done with the curving. Guess I need to realise that it’s another life lesson.
So a very simple trigger. Last night I realised I hadn’t ordered a part that we’d been waiting on at work. I even stayed on last night to phone the supplier to chase it….. only to find out I hadn’t ordered it. 😳🤯
Now this is not the end of the world. It’s not great either but I told everyone last night and I didn’t get told to “pick a window” or “pick a door” as my “jaeckets on a shoogly peg” as may have been heard in the past.
I didn’t even write about it last night as I just chose to let it go. Or so I thought.
I wake up with a thumping head at 5am. I try to get back to sleep but I can’t. I use all the techniques. Focus on breathing… lasts all of 2 breaths… focus on my toes and try to do a body scan. Nope, can’t get up past my ankles before my mind is whirring again.
A whole lot of fear and feelings of being out of control.
So this morning I come into work and I am all over the place. I try really hard not to be. Try to pull myself together. Try to talk myself down out of the spiral 🌀.
It’s not working. There are tears. There is breathlessness. And most of all there is disappointment.
I am so proud of these last few weeks. So proud of the way I’ve handled the Fit Body Farm challenge on top of everything else. So proud of my calm approach to life.
The disappointment is that anxiety can still wallop me in the face when I least expect it and for no real apparent reason.
I felt like I had just drink 5 strong coffees in a row. Of course I hadn’t. Anxiety bubbles like caffeine.
It made me jittery, forgetful, made me say all the wrong words, call people by a completely different name. I just felt completely out of control.
Then I ramble… more than ever. Trying to do all my jobs at once. No coordination. Flitting from one thing to the next without a breath.
I suddenly feel calm early afternoon. I felt shattered and could have slept at my desk. The calm after that anxiety is an amazing feeling, such a relief.
I still struggle with this being ok. I know I need to accept it for what it is as I know it will be yesterday’s news in no time at all. I feel weak at the time. I still need validation from others that it’s ok. I can’t accept it myself yet. In turn I feel pathetic for seeking validation.
Just calm down….
So in other lovely news I came home to early birthday flowers from Mum and Dad.
They made my day.
So I’ve had dinner (spaghetti bolognese) which I prepared yesterday. Check me. Makes life so much easier when you have food to come home to.
We’re watching Griff’s Great Australian Rail Trip on Netflix. He’s just travelled from Perth to Kalgoorlie. It’s a huge trip down memory lane as I traveled there in 2005 all by myself.
That’s another story and one I must tell one day as it was a very early indication that I liked writing when I sent emails home about my adventures. I’ve only just realised that.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️