Day 504 calm to anxiety to calm… oh and back to anxiety…. then finally calm. A day in the life…. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🙄🤣

Jeezo man my mind has been playing tricks on me this morning.

I didn’t think I could manage the Fit Body Farm this morning because I was tired…. Is talked to myself for a good 15 mins about the pros and cons. I got up out of bed and just did it. No bother.

I felt great after the work out, shower and heading to work. Got into the office and came over all crazy anxious.

This is not Kermit the Frog… this is actually me this morning at my desk.

I can laugh at it now but honestly this is what it felt like. I’m so busy being anxious that I actually can’t think straight at all.

I try to shake it out of my head. I try to breathe but I don’t take enough time doing either. I breathe fast instead of slow convincing myself I can’t do it ….saying “see it’s not working you stupid woman”

Did any of you ever watch ‘Allo ‘Allo back in the 80’s?

Renee would say this to his wife every time he was caught in an uncompromising position with one of the waitresses in his cafe. (he was always legit. in an uncompromising position…..)

It’s his voice I hear in my head!

I feel ditsy, breathless, my head empties at the simplest of tasks. Literally some kid inside my brain throws it’s hands up in the air and goes “nope not a clue, I don’t know that, can’t do it, am useless, know nothing…..” you get the drift.

The tears are burning in my eyes threatening to spill. They don’t.

Not until later on this afternoon. But hey… it was coming.

So this morning I explain to boss man and we talk through it and I feel so much better. I need to hear myself say how irrational it all is. There is nothing bothering me. Just my own thoughts.

I carry on through the day. I try to make a call with the calculator on my phone and wonder where the ring button is. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 I make the girl laugh at the end of the phone as she answers I’m giggling away.

I have a couple of uncomfortable conversations this afternoon. They make me question my strength, my recovery. A few tears spill over.

How can I function if my anxiety is going to be like this all the time? (a small part of one day!!!)

Back to square one so soon. (hardly!!!)

I seem to love the negative when I’m in this headspace. I chance fo flay myself for anything and everything that happens.

It sucks.

And then a little birdie tells me about this……

Heavy…. Very.

Painful…. A fair bit

Ok so maybe I have another reason for not feeling my best. Interesting. I’ll take that for now and maybe try to calm down again and realise the world isn’t ending because I’ve felt a bit off today.

It’s ok…. I hear myself 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😬🙄

So I’m sorry for the rant but I feel much better for having written in down.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️