As I settle into my new career I’ve been reflecting a lot on the old one. I know I need to let it go. To move on and heal from everything I need to think it through and realise what I learned from it and let it go. Social media has been full of things to really make me think.
My spirit was well and truly broken.
Now I’m not naive enough to think that one narcissist changed everything…..
I am the worst kind of person to respond to narcissism. I am a people pleaser…. I make it my life’s work to make everyone else happy round about be….. at all costs. I overcompensate for everything. I become teachers pet to said narcissists and a huge cost to my own peace. I second guess everything and start to live my life by what they would do rather than what I think is right. Huge conflict when the team you manage then has the ability to face the narcissism head on. And question it. And tie me up in knots 🪢 🪢🪢🪢🪢🪢🪢
Wow I love that emoji. 🪢 is how my body felt all the time. My mind 🪢 my emotions 🪢 my self worth 🪢🚽🧻🚾 (is it any wonder why my body and mind didn’t allow me to fall pregnant….. there were so many knots 🪢 in there, there wasn’t space for anything else. How heartbreaking is that to have to write. That actually brought tears to my eyes.)
That’s just the whole point. My voice didn’t matter. I had no self worth in the whole situation. I did not matter.
Knowing what I know now…. How bad is that?!? People used to tell me to leave. I couldn’t leave. I needed that job, I needed that status, I needed that salary.
I am living proof that I didn’t need any of it.
I’m gonna stop and say that again. Living proof that I didn’t need any of it. Wow.
My life is a gazillion times better than it was. life has a way of working out and despite how broken I was…. I always knew that I would be ok. I knew that life would work out doe the best.
Those very dark, suicidal moments were just times of extreme despair, almost like extreme panic attacks where I felt like I couldn’t be a burden to anyone else. When I say panic attack it wasn’t manic like you might think, it was sad, calm and resigned. My amazing support network would be better off without me. They must be as sick of listening to me as I was of saying it all. I was a burden to them all.
Those were the times I thought that I couldn’t live without the job, salary and status. But I have and I did.
Not gonna lie…. I didn’t take the first step, I was definitely pushed but that is something I have learned to be very grateful for. A good boot up the backside to move on and stop wallowing in what was.
I may have said this before but Craig remembers me saying that I always wanted to work for Tartan Campers. They were based in Beith when I first became aware of them). I knew my skills were transferable… it was just words… I never pursued it.
Fast forward a whole lot of years and ta-dah! I am so grateful for my new job. Love working the longer hours as to be fair it is still only a 4 day week. Love the work, life, gym balance. I feel more in control now than I have in ages. It really is time to let it go.
In the words of Idina Menzel who wrote the song from Disney’s Frozen… 🧊 👸🏻
I sent this to Craig this morning as I want us to look back on life and realise we lived it the way we chose to live it and not think “if only we had”…..
So yeah…. This needed saying again. I’m not promising that I truly let it all go as it is my story but I need to realise that narcissism has no place in my life and never allow that to knock me down again.
I am valued. I matter. From here on… onwards and upwards.
Earliest blog out ever (9.36am) off to enjoy my day taking Bhru and Freya to the beach as Calaidh still can’t walk that far. May post some pics in Day 488 part 2 later.
Thanks for following my ramblings. It means so much to me.
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️