All I wrote of yesterday’s blog was “Day 465” nothing else….. For the first time in 465 days there was no Rambling Sloth… And the world didn’t end. 🤦🏻♀️😉😆 I cancelled the gym yesterday too. Slacker huh?!?
The alarm went off at 4.45am and I just wanted to cry. I’d slept pretty well and been in bed since 7.30pm but my knee was aching through the night. A real toothache pain. It woke me up twice.
For half an hour I lay there thinking “just get up”….. “I’m tired”…. “You’ll feel better once you move”…. “Don’t want to move”….. “you need to go”…. “But my knee hurts”….. “you’ll few more alert once you’ve been”…. “I need to listen to my body”…. “Get it over with”…… “I can’t…” and it went on and on.
I swear I got up and dressed and walked around with a huge petted lip, tears threatening. “I’m sooooo tired”…… finally getting back into bed about 5 minutes before I was due to leave.
So yeah I’m really tired this week but hey so are other people. That happens.
Getting up at 4.45am for the gym is a bit ridiculous but I’m not going to do it any other time so best to get it out the way early.
The day before, work had asked me if I wanted to go full time.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. there’s the reason.
Someone gave me something to think about to wheich me right back out my comfort zone.
Now on one hand how amazing to be handed a full time job??? I’m so lucky that it’s all working out.
On the other hand…. What about my afternoons off….. naps… trips away on long weekend… dog walks…. naps….. my mind was in overdrive and kept coming back to naps!
It’s no wonder I feel exhausted all the time with the sheer amount of rubbish that I talk to myself!!!
So of course I don’t go back to sleep at 5.30am. I lie there pondering the question to life. So bloody dramatic eh?!
When the time comes to discuss all of this at work I have a word vomit and confuse the hell out of everyone in the room. I get to the point in the end…. Kind of. Then I spend the afternoon ruminating on the drivel I just waffled.
Why on earth would anyone want to hire me? They must be regretting it? Blah blah and blah…..
In the afternoon I have planned to take my wee 80 year old friend to Saltcoats for some shopping she wanted to do.
I drove straight from work to pick her up and she gave me chopped pork sandwiches for lunch along with a coffee and a cake! Could she remind me any more of my Gran?!? We had a wander round the Saltcoats centre. She’s been shopping there for years and was reminiscing about shops that used to be there and are now long gone. She told everyone she met that she hadn’t been to Saltcoats for 2 years.
We went to The Kandy Bar for a wee cuppa and she’s been going there for over 35 years she said. 😲
It was a huge trip down memory lane for her and I was glad I was able to take her.
It was scorching hot and my mind was a bit preoccupied…. It was 5.45pm before I got home!!
I then had a quick catch up with Claire in her garden, then Craig and then Mum on the phone and it was time to go to crochet at 7pm. By which time I was running on empty… oh and coffee and cake.
I’m so glad I went to crochet. It was lovely to listen to their stories of the week and to finally quieten my crazy head by talking things over with them. They’re a lovely supportive bunch…. And I got hugs…. 💕💕
This is a huge thing for me. Committing to a full time job after years of not being well enough to work. It’s not my works’ problem. They only asked!!!
That said, I am ready, I know I am, I just like to overthink that I might not be good enough, will let everyone down…. That old adage. I was exhausted after all that and just couldn’t put pen to paper. Strange saying when the blog is typed eh?!?
So I’m starting on 30 hours just to build up to that last day. 4 full days a week Monday- Thursday.
Today I’ve made peace with my decision. It feels right after yesterday’s drama. My head is quiet and it’s my weekend so I am going to rest, relax and enjoy.
And most of all try to give myself a goddam break from thinking. Ever again! 😬🙄🥴
Stay safe everyone ♥️♥️♥️