So this was the plan today… instead I got caught up in some kind of anxiety tornado. 🌪
I felt ok ish when I got up but then my head just started racing with everything I had to do… none of which is a big deal I hasten to add.
I want to stop here and say that I don’t write this because I want you to worry about me or feel bad for me. I write it because I want people to understand what life with anxiety is like. If you’d spoken to me or met me somewhere today you would never have known. I want you to understand the sheer exhaustion caused by fighting your own mind.
Instead I have a house that is more cluttered than a cluttered thing due to bathroom renovations. I’m spending time covered in stoor. I can’t find things and when I do everything I touch is covered in stoor. There is a man in my house asking where this is and where that is and where do I want this and where do I want that…. and that’s not just Craig!!!
All of this creates overload in a way that I cannot explain. To me it seems utterly ridiculous that, after all the hard work I’ve put in, I can still feel so overwhelmed. I should be better by now, these worries are nothing, I felt great a few weeks ago, where has that gone? I
am so hard on myself….
Along with all this… today…. tears…. a whole lotta tears.
I was meant to be meeting Auntie Jac for coffee today but I’d put her off as I felt so bad. She called the morning and I couldn’t talk through my tears.
She told me to go out with the dogs and listen to a podcast and that she would come down.
The podcast I picked (or did it pick me?!?) was Brené Brown talking about how we are so overwhelmed by what is happening right now that even the most level headed of us are losing it. She said that we cannot comprehend that we have passed the 6 month mark of COVID-19 and yet nothing is resolved and it feels like we have taken a step backwards. None of us should be hard on ourselves as we don’t stand a chance in figuring anything out right now. We are working day to day with the information that we have. By the time I was half way round on my dog walk I had stopped crying and was hanging on her every word.
Jac arrived shortly after I got back and came in through the back garden in line with COVID-19 rules and we went out for coffee (in two separate cars in line with COVID rules) and then went to a couple of shops to look for bathroom mirrors (again 2 cars). The bathroom mirror has been driving me insane as there are way too many to choose from! Just give me one and I’ll take it. It will do….. 🥴
Back hone I had calls to make.
The bathroom is almost finished. The toilet snd sink are back in but not quite working yet. We are nearly there!
I feel much calmer this evening although Craig has a broken Jeep again….. this time the power steering has gone. The Jeep is back in the garage!!!!!!!!! Give me strength.
I am enjoying the calm. It feels good. In true Anxiety and depression fashion I’m not showered, living in the same jumper I have for weeks because it makes me feel cosy and I only want to eat crisps and chocolate but that’s ok. I am not stressing right now and it feels nice.
I promised a covid update today but I honestly can’t be bothered. Sorry, you all know it anyway, it’s more for the purpose behind the blog but hey… today it does not matter.
Stay safe everyone ❤️❤️❤️