After such a lovely evening, yesterday didn’t end well for me and carried on into a dreadful nights sleep.
So my anxiety went sky high at 9.30 last night. Felt sick, shaky, breathless and really sad. All of a sudden, literally with the snap of fingers I started to cry! Tears just pouring out and I couldn’t stop them. I went to bed without telling Craig as I didn’t want him to see the tears as I knew I couldn’t explain them. He was on the computer with the guys. So I tried to read and kind of cried myself to sleep but then tossed and turned for hours.
In the hours I was awake I thought what might have triggered it and as us over thinkers do, I have a list of potential reasons….. 🤯😬
- I’d been looking at FB and went down a rabbit hole with a post about suicide and read far too many of the comments from some very sad people. Their reaction to the post was a trigger as it reminded me how bad I had felt at the end of last year… the hopelessness, the worthlessness and I wanted them all to know it would be ok.
- When I went to bed at 9.30 I let the dogs out in the garden and the wee party was still going on next door so I felt a bit sad I don’t drink anymore and wasn’t joining in
- I’ve been trying to arrange to get my new VW T5 and while I’m excited by it, I have a huge fear that I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, questioning whether it’s right…. blah, blah, blah
- I’m so tired all the time that I don’t have the energy to watch my weight and can’t be bothered eating healthily etc and I feel fine until I have to put real clothes on like I did today.
- The bottle of Nosecco I drank might have something in it that kept me awake
- I think that might be all, not necessarily in this order but hey…. I’m sure I could muster up some more.
So I ended up through in the sun room on Grans chair and did sleep for a few hours then went back to bed and slept till half 7.
So you can imagine that I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a dreadful day, I’m tired, anxious, sad….. and then I read this…..
So that’s just the start of the day and it’s not even 9am…. no wonder I’m knackered! I messaged Claire next door, bright and cheery said it’s the weekend and the sun is shining and the dog train will be leaving soon if you fancy a walk. So we got a great blether and a walk in this glorious sunshine….
So I’ve had a very lazy afternoon, tried to sleep but haven’t managed it. Suddenly knocked out by hay fever that I haven’t had since my 20’s but all in all I’ve had a lovely day. We’re down on the back deck cooking steak on the new fire pit and waiting for the sun to come back round!
I’ve worked hard today not to wallow in the mud…. it’s ended up a good one. Now to chill and relax and enjoy the sunset when it comes!
Stay safe everyone 🧡🧡🧡